Something He Said

We were standing on the deck in the night air. If I wanted to talk to him I would have to put up with being outside while he smoked a joint. I don't understand the control that drug has on him. The drug he won't even call a drug.

Marijuana. A plant that looks innocent enough on the surface. But this innocent plant has been groomed and manipulated to new and dizzying heights of tokers' perfectionism. It is the drug that increasing numbers of our modern society either uses or sees nothing wrong with anyone else using. It has become mainstream, accepted and people have no idea of the long-term damage it actually does. Or if they do, they are too high to care.

As he tries to inhale his head into a different dimension, I ventured to tell him something nice. Something to perhaps pull him out of that ganja cloud and back down to earth.

"You know, I really and truly appreciate all the help you are giving me while you are here. I have to always do everything myself, even the gross BOY jobs, and I hope you do know how much I appreciate it."

He sort of shrugged and laughed and said, "Well, guess now you can see how much work I did around here and how much easier I made your life, so maybe you should have appreciated me a bit more!"

I was kind of startled at his words. How could he say that? I always appreciated his help and always lavished him with praise our entire marriage. I decided to remind him of a key fact.

"Your help always came with a price though and it is not a price I could afford any longer...how good is help when it is given with such a large amount of verbal abuse?"

He rolled his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Whatever," was his only reply. That small, mean phrase that says so much but means so little. It is so dismissive and I feel when someone uses it, they are using it unkindly and it irks me time and again.

He refused to acknowledge the damage he has done to all of us and instead he chooses to sweep it under the rug and create his own reality, in which he is a victimized hero who simply could no longer stand to be married to me.

Is this what all abusers do? Is this a classic pattern they follow?

It sure seems to be with mine.

But he is no longer mine now. He has returned to where he came from when I met him, at long last. A full circle moment? Perhaps. He is 4000km away and he is someone else's problem now. His family are dealing with him now. At least until he verbally abuses them and finds himself alone on the streets again.

I don't want that to happen.

I want him to find a good job, and get off the marijuana, and live for his kids and his own well-being. As much as I want that to happen though, I can't manifest someone else's life for them. He has to choose the path he walks and we will always be here with kindness for him if he chooses a path of happiness and peace.

Otherwise, I can only try to do my best to raise our children to have enough intelligence to always choose their own paths of prosperity and goodness.

Because in the end, it is not about us. It is about the children. And it always will be. For me.