Hoarding or Hibernation?

Let’s face it…unless you live under a rock or you turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to what is happening in the world around us, I feel it is safe to say most people are aware of the increasing earth/climate changes and subsequent natural disasters that continue occurring, with increasingly devastating proportions.

Some people say, oh this has always happened…it is natural for the earth to behave this way and always has, this is just another of the earth’s cycles, etc. I can’t figure out if those people are so unaware (or afraid?) that they bury their heads in the sand and then, for their own comfort, try to pass it off as media fear-mongering. It seems that way. But some people may honestly believe nothing is going on, and that’s their right to feel that way. So long as it hurts no one else. Just as those who believe the earth is in flux, should also not promote or push their feelings and ideas onto non-believers. But healthy awareness and discussion is a good thing.

It is hard to get this message across to a child sometimes though. Especially my extremely opinionated seven year old son! He is eager and excited to correct people who litter, smoke or seem uncaring about the environment. And because he watches a lot of documentaries on the earth, the solar system and a fair amount of global news coverage, he is also very apt to want people to be aware of what he interprets as major earth changes. I gently encourage him to express his feelings and opinions, but not to become upset or angry if others do not agree with him. Which is a good reminder for my own conduct too.

During the recent media storm surrounding both the “Super Moon” and the Japan earthquake, followed by the new war erupting in Libya, he began to wonder what we could do to help? And what if that happened to us? Who would help us? We engage in lengthy discussions about such possibilities, and I share information with him of both fact and speculation. No one knows for sure when or if we will be hit by any type of natural or manmade disaster but one thing we can do, is be aware enough of the POSSIBILITY to take a few, low-key precautions.

My mum talked to the children about Libya and used it in conjunction with the ongoing real-life history lessons she teaches them, based on her personal experiences serving in WW2, followed by life as an immigrant to North America. One point she stresses to all of us is how important it is to be prepared for any potential crisis in a similar way to how she (and all of England) mobilized and steeled themselves for WW2. She reiterates how “together” the entire nation was and how ready each person was to go with less and to fight hand-to-hand, if need be, every single German that tried to invade and conquer them. She talked to them about rationing and hoarding, and appreciating the value and use of every item you own. These sentiments are lost in today’s world but she aims to keep those teachings alive and remembered in me and mine.

We are so lucky to have this living history with us all the time. A lesson most recently (re)-learned is that of (useful) hoarding. One of my ex-best friends would chide me for any unnecessary “hoarding” and she was often cynical and lacking in compassion to my tales of how many glass jars, coffee containers or paper and plastic bags I would discover my mum had been secreting away in cupboards over the years, as my role of caregiver grew. On the advice of my ex-best friend, I began discarding all of these items mum would be hoarding. They weren’t messy or nasty at all; everything was clean and tucked away in cupboards. This is nothing like those horrible car-crash-mentality hoarding shows that are on TV. Gross.
No, this was just my mum’s wartime thinking so deeply ingrained into every fibre of her being, that she was always sure to “waste not, want not.”

As I have quietly taken in all of the earth changes and worldwide political upheaval, with either a disaster or a war on every day’s news headlines, I started thinking hmmm, maybe my Mum is right about the selective hoarding. Maybe it is smart to save. Recycle that which is NOT useful, but hang onto all that has value and/or potential future value. Not just for ourselves, but for those in our neighbourhood…friends…family. I would happily share with anyone who asked for my help. And I would not charge a dime. (Unlike far too many right-wing bible thumpers (or just ignorant thumping of any type!) that I have had the misfortune to encounter.)

So in the spirit of this thinking, the children and I decided to start a water farm. This came to mind after the Japan earthquake of March, 2011. The big one for Japan. And what does that mean for us? One story we heard from Japan, repeated many times over, was the lack of water for the people who survived. So many people who thankfully only had minor home damage, were left without water. No water for flushing toilets, bathing or drinking. And should a disaster befall the Pacific west coast that we live on, it would be good to be prepared with water. Thus, the water farm was born.

No longer do we put our plastic 4 litre milk jugs in the recycling bin. We now clean them and fill them with water, then store them in our massive basement storage room. They are not taking room away from anything else. They sit on shelves and floor space that was formerly bare. But we go through three 4 litre jugs in a week, as well as assorted 2 litre pop bottles, and after only two months of working our water farm, we have amassed over 40 bottles of water. The children are so proud of these efforts to be prepared and to not waste the useful containers. And I am so proud of them for realizing how important this type of thinking is, and their ability to be diligent and sensible about it instead of freaked-out or overly sensational.

So many items we have been encouraged to recycle have more value than we realize. My mum knew what she was doing with the WW2-mentality “hoarding”. She was actually wise to save all those plastic and paper bags, glass jars, coffee containers, used gift wrap, various sizes of cardboard boxes, and many other assorted potentially useful items. My ex-best friend did not see the value in these items, much in the same way she did not value my friendship. Just throw it all away was her mantra, don’t keep clutter, don’t hang onto anything, bulldoze that clutter down for a happier life!

I have come to see how wrong she was. One day these items could be useful, so isn’t it best to be prepared? Better safe than sorry? Shouldn’t we try to learn from those who came before? Those who lived through harsher times? Those who know better?

Because as Oprah recently summed up beautifully…when you know better, you do better.

We live with awareness. We are not consumed with worry but we are aware. Just in case. This is not the ugly hoarding that is sensationalized on TV. This is prepared hibernation. For when and if we ever need it.

I Kind Of Always Knew You’d End Up My Ex-Best Friends.

Oh, Gwen. You really nailed it with that song. Boyfriend or Girlfriend…Family member or Best Friend…pretty similarly emotionally charged details when you come right down to it.

This year I walked away from my two best friends. Or they walked away from me. Whichever. It all gets lost in the details really. But for those relationships, the bell had finally tolled.

As an eternal optimist, I will always hold a little hope that they change their minds or have a light-bulb moment of understanding and realize how valuable I was to them. Or maybe clue in to how much value they were to me. But I can’t dwell on that optimism. The chances are slim I think.

As our relationships wound to a close, one of my ex-best friends turned some of my own words that I had said to her, back onto myself: it must be something inside of you.

This made it painfully clear to me how sad it was in how little she really knew me or “got” me because I already had dug deep with that very question. It was my own self analysis of that exact thought that has made me the woman of integrity I am today. And I had discussed the depth of my feelings on this subject with her countless times. Maybe she heard but she did not listen. Maybe she never really wanted to.

It is hard for those who have known you your entire life (or for a major portion of it) to grasp though. It is hard for them to see beyond the person they once knew…the person you used to be…and the person they refuse to see in any other way precisely because of that negative, skewed, preconceived notion which truly is the problem inside of themselves.

That inner stuff that makes me so concerned about what friends and family think of me or feel about me is exactly what I have come to be able to address and feel unafraid to approach people about. Confrontation is not a fun thing. But sometimes it is a necessary thing in order to see who to keep in your inner circle in life and who is not conducive to your own happiness.

People will generally show their true colours eventually. The key is being wise enough to see them. Paying attention to how they treat you with their words, behaviours or gestures. Asking yourself if you would behave in the same way or considering if you once would have but feel ashamed for those actions now. Questioning anything that does not seem right…if it quacks like a duck, it probably IS a duck. But sometimes we still want to think it is a chicken. To actually see that quacker for what it is means dealing with the loud quacking and disruptiveness that may come from hanging out with a duck. Just look at Joey and Chandler!

I do like ducks though. One day I hope we own some and can be a family for them and have a little hobby farm. J But metaphorically speaking, as I watch, listen and learn human behaviour better and better, I can now see the ducks far clearer from the chickens.

No, there is nothing inside of me that has not already been self analyzed to death, worked on, studied and altered. She was wrong to use my own words back at me because it was not about me. She was merely deflecting from addressing the issue herself. She was doing what my ex-husband was amazingly good at: avoidance and blame and finger pointing. Anything to say, “it’s not my fault, it’s ”YOURS!” Instead of HEARING what was being said, what the discrepancy was and what the deeper meaning may be about.

She, who once claimed to be a queen of debate could not even debate with herself. When push came to shove, she had no control over words, she reverted to playground bully. And did loads of shoving. I think down deep it is where she always wanted to be with me…back to childhood, and back where she could exact revenge on me for all the things she actually never forgave me for.

The other ex-best friend and I rarely shared a cross word or had heated debates. I felt she was my rock and I was hers, through good times and bad. But like in marriages, even friendships sometimes cannot withstand or weather the storms of change. I had been holding onto issues about her feelings towards me in various respects that worried me, concerned me. These were things I truly wanted to question and bring to light, but I was afraid. I was scared if I “rocked the boat” and made any waves with her, she would leave me to drown and not throw me a life preserver. I was absolutely correct. I brought these issues to light and expressed how upset I was, laying bare my feelings, and just as predicted, she used it as her opportunity to slam the door in my face. It hurt but once again, I knew it was not me. This was something inside of her.

When faced with great pain or betrayal we sometimes act and behave in pathetic ways with emotionally charged diatribe, lashing out with feelings that are almost too much to bear. Shania knows. On Oprah she let it be known she too was guilty of sending pathetic letters from her emotionally destroyed heart. And when the recipients of those pathetic words reject, belittle or maintain a closed and cold heart to the depth of feeling being hurled at them, then the sad ending is simply meant to be just that: a sad ending. For when the love is not returned, it can only be an ending. And a lesson to take with you to the next chapter of your life.

The point is, if someone tells you that you hurt them or if they have questions about issues or problems within the relationship, and they take the time to explain how, and why they feel that way, along with a desire to understand and work it out, try and show some kindness and compassion to their feelings. Try to actually “address” all the discrepancies and issues they bring up instead of using deflection and finger pointing. Even if the things they want to address with you hurt you or make you angry, why add insult to injury and make it worse? Why not just ask yourself all the tough questions they are asking you and try and answer them free of anger?

Because if you can’t, then they were right to have all those questions and be feeling that way all along. Right?

Right.