PARENTING OVERRIDDEN

I often wonder if I am the only person this happens to. Logically, I am sure I am not. But then why am I not meeting any of these people like me? And constantly I am only befriended by those who continue to do the one thing that will always ultimately result in me pushing them out of my life: PARENTING FOR ME...a.k.a. parenting overridden.

Look, I may not parent the way others choose to. Just like others may not parent how I do. However, I would only speak up and over another parent if I saw a child causing deliberate harm to an animal or another person/child. But for some reason, a huge number of “friends”, acquaintances and strangers, all feel the need to speak over me or for me, and take over my parenting for me. And it drives me rather crazy! I want it to stop, but it seems to only be increasing rather than getting better!

I am grateful constantly for the good people out there, the ones who don’t do this. Or the ones who speak helpfully in kindness if they see me struggling. But my gratitude is not enough. Is still does not stop so many others from trying to do my parenting for me!

I can state exactly what these “others” would say at this point. They would state they HAVE to help me, or they HAVE to take over because I clearly am not parenting  properly  (in their minds!) and I clearly do not know right from wrong (again in their minds!). 

Strangers or acquaintances do it because they are rude and do not have the manners to control these impulses. Or they are so self-righteous they feel they have to teach others who need to be taught. But friends…ah yes, “friends”…people who I allow into my life as friends, some new, some old…these “friends” are the worst culprits of this offence.

When a person becomes my friend, they do not start off by speaking over me to my children or trying to parent for me. No, for if they did, I would not even accept their friendship. I think most of these friends have no intention of anything like this...in the beginning. But as they get to know me, rather than be accepting of my style and my ways, things slowly begin to unravel, and one by one, almost every friend I have made as a mother, becomes guilty of this disrespect towards me and my children.

I think it is example time. So I can better illustrate my point here. Some examples from my time in my village here in the UK are:

A “friend” I made here early on witnessed my eldest son speaking rudely to me outside the school one afternoon. I had already told him (which she did not hear) that his lego privileges would be revoked for 2 days. That was my calm and firm method of dealing with him, which I stick to. No need to fight with him or freak out, quiet justice is served. But no, as he continued to be rude to me and complain, whine and carry on, my friend overheard and came over to where we were standing and got in my son’s face and told him off, shaming him and being very fierce with him. Now, why did she feel the need to do that?  After he had walked away to get his scooter with a red face, she laughed and said, “That told him! You shouldn’t have to put up with that, my goodness you do let your children walk all over you!” I tried to explain I had already dealt with it but it was clear she did not believe me or even care. She had done her duty to parent for me.

Another example, is when my children are interrupting when I am speaking to a friend. This happens constantly. I will sometimes tell them to please wait, or I hold a finger up, or sometimes I don’t say anything and will tell the friend I am speaking to, one second, while I address whatever my child is saying, depending on whether I deem it important or not. Choose your battles, right? However, most of these “friends” here, will either 1. Turn to my child and immediately tell them sternly to wait if I have not said anything yet, or 2. Will tell them AGAIN to wait or chastise them for interrupting even if I have already told them, especially if they are pushing it and not listening to me (normal for children to push the issue if they are strong-willed spirits like mine are!) or 3. Will start lecturing me on how I need to get this matter in hand and deal with teaching my children some respect or how to listen!

Now what bothers me the most is that I never, EVER, do this to others. I witness this kind of thing constantly with other children and their parents and I would never be so rude as to step in and try and parent for someone else. When I have pointed this out to people, I am accused of thinking I am a “saint” or acting like I am better than they are. So it is a no-win situation.

Another example…when hanging out with friends and all our kids are playing together, at first it is all fine and fun. But very soon, whenever I suggest a playdate, it changes. It goes from the early days of, sure yes, come on over, or we will come to yours, etc…to hmmm, are yours going to behave? Will they listen? I don’t know if I feel like dealing with your lot today! I just cleaned the house and your kids are not exactly tidy. Wow. How is it I would never say that to someone else, yet almost every friend I make has no problem eventually speaking that way to me? Their kids are not perfect either and have been naughty at my house too but I would never say that. I might make an excuse as to why they can’t come play, but would never be so rude to put someone down like that. Yet people constantly feel it is fine to speak this way to me. And from there, the friendship starts to crumble.

I also have a 5-second rule for dropping food on the ground. I am not freaked out by germs and unconcerned if my child picks up a sweet or whatever they drop. But friends and strangers often will jump in and correct my child from doing this, even with me standing right there and saying nothing. Does my silent presence indicate that I have no clue as a parent how to teach children how “wrong” this is? Strangers have no manners by jumping in and they don’t know me, but friends will be well aware where I stand about these things and it may have been discussed at length, but yet they still jump in and parent for me! Why is that ok for them? But if I did that to their child? They would not be happy with me and would likely let me know it. 

I never say anything to go against people who do any of this parenting for me, other than perhaps smiling and assuring them I am good, it is fine. And maybe that is my problem…maybe I am supposed to speak up sternly to others and not allow it to happen? But when in the midst of a promising new friendship, the last thing I want to do is make any uncomfortable moments or rock the boat. But by not rocking the boat, it just keeps sinking anyway so what is a parent to do?

I don’t think these issues are ever going to go away. And I don’t feel like changing who I am and turning into a fierce, unapproachable person giving off angry energy. So all I can do is put up with it, and point  out to my children that it is rude of these strangers, acquaintances or “friends”, that they don’t have to listen to anyone other than me, and lead by example to them of how NOT to behave. They will never see me trying to parent someone else’s child in front of the parents. I just have more common sense and decency than that.

Back To Sennen Village

I have never kept a low-profile or been a shrinking violet. I have never been a wallflower or a quiet, shy girl who sat in the corner. I have always been loud, outspoken and stood out like a sore thumb. Some people like this about me and gravitate towards me. Some people hate me for it and are instantly repelled. And some people think they like this about me but when they come in for a closer look, realize they really can’t stand me at all.

I used to spend hours agonizing over the ones who disliked me and didn’t “get” me. I wasted years of energy on what could never be understood, it just is what it is. I have had people tell me I need to change. But why? Why do I need to change, when by being me, I don’t hurt anyone else, I am loving and kind, and a decent, good person, but because I stand out and possess a loud and proud character, I should be expected to tone it down to suit someone else? 

I don’t think so.

But the battles I have faced over who I am have cost me my marriage…friendships…family members…jobs…house rentals...and I continue to wade through life, figuring out who is a keeper and who needs to be cast aside. And who should cast me aside. Do me a favour, please.

I am so grateful for those who get me. I am so grateful for having the experience to realize who doesn’t. And I am most grateful for having the strength to walk away from those who don’t.

I reflect on this as we are about to make a return to our beloved village of Sennen.

Through an incredible twist of fate, we have suddenly been blessed with a long-term house rental in Sennen. It is our favourite place in the UK, the village we moved to from Canada, where the children love their school and I am so in love with the village I write about it in our local paper each week. I don’t have a boyfriend, have not been on a date since my marriage ended YEARS ago, but would honestly like to get married to my village! That’s true love, right there!

It is hard to find a house rental in this area. When we moved from Sennen last August, we had to move a few miles away from the village, out into the rural countryside and take a bus to school, because after 7 months of searching, there simply was nothing available that would work for us. My parameters are fairly tight: I need enough bedrooms for myself and the children but must also have a ground floor bedroom and bathroom for Mum as she can’t climb stairs. In a small village, this is almost impossible to find and we were very lucky to find it when we arrived in 2013. 

So, when our current house rental reneged on their word to us that we would have a few years of secure tenancy, for a myriad of unjust reasons, I had to arrange a house rental even further away and we were all set to move there this week. But then, at the final hour, fate decided we were meant to be in Sennen instead and in a flash, everything changed. Everything fell into place and we have been blessed with a most wonderful house, walking distance to school and the beach, so perfect I want to cry whenever I think about how lucky we are to have had this happen. 

A kind universe has smiled on us…it knows how important Sennen is to me and made the impossible, possible. Everything works out as it is meant to and all my stressing and worry over having to move even further away and a longer bus ride to and from school, was all wasted energy. It has been a great lesson to teach me yet again, the importance of remaining calm and serene when immersed in challenging situations because the universe will make it right and what is meant to be, will be.

However, returning to Sennen means being back in the midst of a community where my personality is not always appreciated or welcomed. There are many people in the village who feel about me the same way people throughout my life have…repelled, turned off, annoyed, and generally do not “get me”. Those people do not matter to me, but it does suck that there remains this lack of harmony aimed at me and mine, simply based on my character and personality.

It has always been easy to shake it off in the past because I was never in such close proximity with disharmony towards me. I could either move away or not associate with those who disliked me. But now, in my little village, it is much harder to do that.

I often see the ex-friends who I spoke about in my blog post from August, the gossipy, nasty women who treated me so poorly. Now I will likely see them even more. The good thing though, is they don’t acknowledge me and I don’t acknowledge them. It works, it keeps the peace and we can all co-exist just fine. From some of the long-term locals, I have learned about many village residents who do not speak to one another…people who fell out many, many years ago and have blanked each other daily for more than half their lives! It seems surreal to me but it also seems to be a normal part of small village life here.

I want my village life. I love my village, the beach and the location, and the old-world feel, but I do not love standing out in any kind of negative way within such a small community. It is a hard sense of normal to become used to but slowly I am acclimating myself.

I should be used to this by now. This is how life has always been for me. I have always stood out, but not always liked for standing out. 

But when I am back in my village I will stand out with pride. I may not always live here….I don’t see it as my forever home. Is anywhere? Not for this wandering gypsy! But I do see it as a special place for me and my children and my Mum. We need this place right now, we need to be a part of this village right now. And come what may, we will be.

And I will continue to stand out. As I always have done. And as I always will.

Backstage 101...part 5

I moved to Vancouver in late 1992 and easily discovered the most used hotels, and the backstage access numbers for most venues, and continued on with my conquesting of concerts in my new home city.

Def Leppard had just entered the touring world again after a lengthy hiatus and they were particular favourites of mine so I worked extra hard to secure an inside track with them. My band in Moncton had been called Savage, loosely named after Def Leppard’s bassist, Rick Savage. We covered a lot of Leppard songs and I loved their style, arrangements and general nice English-lad demeanour which had also drawn me once upon a time to Duran Duran.

I had seen the Leps in concert in Moncton in 1988, but that was before I had really sunk my teeth into my more detailed methods of gaining backstage access with ease. They were so amazing on stage, had so much energy with the most uplifting and powerful hooks and melodies. I was absolutely in awe of them and had more than a little crush on singer Joe Elliot. I was bound and determined to meet these guys as soon as I had the chance.

So in late 1992, when Def Leppard played Vancouver, I found myself speaking to their tour manager, Marty, and being surprisingly honest for a change.

“Seriously, I am their biggest fan, please can you help me meet them?” I wanted this one so much and I hoped this man would be sympathetic to that.

“How did you say you found my name and hotel?” he sounded friendly but definitely was giving me the third degree. “And why should you get to meet them over someone else? They have a lot of fans.”

“Well, my band was named after Rick Savage, and I would love to be able to tell him that. And I went to a lot of trouble to track you down, took a lot of time and effort to find you so I am really hoping it is worth it. Oh please, it would mean so much to me!”

I was reduced to common begging when faced with my favourite band but I could hear in his voice, he was just making me sing for my supper. He was impressed that I had found him and was actually just quite chatty and seemed to enjoy keeping me in suspense. So when at last he agreed to give me two tickets and passes, I was thrilled to bits. I didn’t have many friends in Vancouver at that time so I was taking my boss from the record store I worked in. She was definitely impressed by my ability to work this kind of magic but my aim with this one had not been to impress. I just wanted to meet the Leps and enjoy every moment of their show.  Which is exactly what I did.

Hands down, they were the nicest rock stars I have ever met. Sometimes when you meet famous people that you really love, and they turn out to be less than you hoped for in personality or charm (like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden), it is a huge letdown and you never see them the same way as you once did. But for me, with Def Leppard, they lived up to every expectation I had, for which I will always be grateful and will always love them best.

They were all so down to earth, charming and open to chat and did not come across as the stereotypical “rock stars” I so often had met before. They just seemed absolutely normal; I would have loved to jam with them!

I made sure to tell Rick Savage I had named my band Savage after him and our love of the Leps and he nicely said, “Oh, I bet you played the songs much better than we do! Good for you!” It made my whole night!

I made sure to find Marty too. I shook his hand, and thanked him profusely for allowing me this wonderful evening with the Leps. He then said the magic words to cement my place in all future Def Leppard backstages: “Any time!”

I took him up on that offer time and time again, and the boys never disappointed me. It was in fact, a Def Leppard concert in Toronto in 1996 that became my final concert and backstage experience as I entered real adulthood at the age of 26.

While creating a life for myself in Vancouver and working as a travel agent, my concert attending and partying was slowly dropping further and further away from my life. I was finding new priorities and felt quite satisfied with all the wonderful shows I had seen and all the backstages I had conquered. I had impressed many friends, and I had outsmarted many people throughout the music industry. I had so many cherished memories and it was actually becoming more of a pain in the ass than an exciting pleasure to score my way into the shows any longer. I guess I was growing up and growing away from the need to show off to my friends. The people in my life who counted knew who I was and what I was capable of. I was more content listening to music or singing at home and pretending to wow huge audiences in my mind than actually see the performers live any more. I just had lost the drive to be the backstage queen and my life was about other things now.

I enjoyed every moment of that final Def Leppard show in Toronto in the summer of 96. My friends had gone backstage while the Leps were on, to party with the openers Tripping Daisy, as one of my girlfriends was dating a band member. All I wanted to do was soak in the music, and dance on my seat. I had flown to Toronto for the concert specifically and it was a great one. I sort of felt it might be the last one. Maybe not forever, but it was the last one I would probably work so hard for. We had a fantastic night backstage, drinking the Leps beer and I drunkenly almost left with a 6 pack before my friend stopped me and scolded me! I was just having such a fun time and I didn’t want it to end. My memories never would though.

Flash forward to 2003. I was pregnant with my first baby, and my 12 year old niece was obsessed with Avril Lavigne. Years had passed since that final Def Leppard backstage in 1996, and I hadn’t thought about concerts in a long time. I wasn’t even living near to a venue and I certainly didn’t have any plans to travel somewhere for a concert. But my niece loved hearing my stories and wished so much I could make that same magic happen for her first concert. She wanted to meet Avril so much. After some thought on the matter, I decided to contact a couple of my old groupie friends. Some of them were still active on the scene and I had one girlfriend who had dated the roommate of Avril’s drummer. It could be a good lead and I wanted to help my niece, so I checked it out.

My friend was happy to give me a good cover story since she had recently had a nasty break up with this roommate of Avril’s drummer, and she had no problem giving me lots of inside scoop. Once well-armed with all the information I needed, I decided to see if my old ways still retained some charm. I began by calling the venue in Edmonton where Avril was playing that night. A girl who sounded about fourteen answered the phone! I soon realized, that it was just that I was now so much older…a fact that continues to catch me off guard! This would be a piece of cake, I thought with my usual arrogance.

“Hi, this is Rebecca from CKNC radio in Northern B.C. (completely made up off the top of my head, not that this “kid” receptionist would know!) and I need to get in touch with production for tonight’s show.”

“I am sorry, that line is private, maybe I can take a message?” Damn, this little “kid” was good! She almost caught me off guard but I recovered quickly.

“No. I need to reach road tour management right away but if you can’t help me, I will just have to go back to my office and get the number. Charles in head office said for me just to try the box office rather than me having to drive all the way back to get it! I would forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on!” I tried to sound frustrated and self-effacing both at the same time.

“Well…hold on a moment, I will see if I can put you through, but I can’t give out the number..,one moment.” She was waffling! I was pleased with myself but not through the gate yet. After what seemed like an eternity, she returned to the line.

“Ok ma’am (Ooh how I hate being called that!), I will put you through, hold one moment.”

“Thanks so much for your help.” I breathed a sigh of relief and prepared myself for the acting job ahead of me as the backstage line rang and rang.

A gruff male voice answered after a few minutes and, going on the assumption this was not the drummer named Matt that I was looking for, I blurted out my radio-personnel story and gave him the tour manager’s name, explaining I needed to confer with him right away. The gruff sounding grunt told me the man I was looking for was back at the hotel and not due to arrive for another hour. I bluffed and said I would try him at the hotel, trying to sound very knowledgeable. But before he hung up, I boldly asked, “Is this the only production line back there? Or are there several extensions?” He told me that was the only one and my luck was with me, as he confirmed the number back to me quite happily, even if still with a rough-edge to his tone. Now that I had the number to the backstage line, I could call back again at my leisure. But I also had the information that the entourage was staying at a local hotel. It wasn’t long before I had found the hotel I needed and was on the line with Avril’s tour manager. He sounded easy-going and as I explained to him my story that linked me to Avril’s drummer Matt, it made enough sense to him to be believable. I had some great facts and details from my groupie friend, and the tour manager took down my number and said he would have Matt call me as soon as possible.

Waiting for the phone call drove me crazy! I waited for awhile but I am not very patient when it comes to concerts and arrangements for backstages, so after a few hours I called directly to the backstage line that I nicely had secured, and within moments I had Matt on the other end of the phone!

“Hi Matt! I spoke to James (the tour manager) earlier in his hotel room. I wasn’t sure the best way to get in touch with you….but I am a good friend of Jennie’s! You may not remember but we partied together at New Year last year in Toronto, you were pretty hammered and, well…we all were!” I giggled for good effect and I heard him laugh too. My story checked out with him, Jennie was his ex-girlfriend, she’d filled me in on how drunk he was at the big New Year’s bash and how many girls had been all over him. In his booze-clouded memories, I would hopefully just be one of those girls.

We chatted back and forth a bit more, like old friends almost! He was perfectly relaxed talking to me, feeling secure that he had “partied” with me previously and I was linked to Jennie. I explained finally about wanting to get my niece into the show and sweetly added how great it would be to see him again and “catch up”. Oh how I hoped my baby didn’t start crying at that crucial moment!

He was so obliging and took down my name (I gave him my sister’s name since I obviously wouldn’t be going myself!) and said he would leave three tickets and passes and looked forward to seeing me later. I felt so triumphant! I still had the power! I still could work the backstage magic! Just like riding a horse, I thought. Even if you fall off, you just get back on and it all comes back to you. I would always be able to do this, no matter how much time passed, no matter who the performers were. I felt confident that if I wanted it to happen, I would always be able to make it happen.

My niece had a fantastic time at the concert. Matt had come through like he promised and her first concert experience is one she will never forget. I passed his name out to other young family members and gave lots of advice on how to make the backstage access happen, but still not too many seem able to grab the phone and put on the right performance that I perfected in my own special way.

I am so proud of all the memories I have made and can make again, should I ever choose to, or should anyone need my help. But the only backstage access my life holds these days is for something kid-friendly. My life is all about my children these days and although it was fun while it lasted, my days of making backstage magic are now behind me. And has made some great bedtime stories for the next generation of concert goers that I am raising! I am teaching my children to always go after what you want, using their own power, inner magic, and a whole lot of rock and roll!