PARENTING OVERRIDDEN

I often wonder if I am the only person this happens to. Logically, I am sure I am not. But then why am I not meeting any of these people like me? And constantly I am only befriended by those who continue to do the one thing that will always ultimately result in me pushing them out of my life: PARENTING FOR ME...a.k.a. parenting overridden.

Look, I may not parent the way others choose to. Just like others may not parent how I do. However, I would only speak up and over another parent if I saw a child causing deliberate harm to an animal or another person/child. But for some reason, a huge number of “friends”, acquaintances and strangers, all feel the need to speak over me or for me, and take over my parenting for me. And it drives me rather crazy! I want it to stop, but it seems to only be increasing rather than getting better!

I am grateful constantly for the good people out there, the ones who don’t do this. Or the ones who speak helpfully in kindness if they see me struggling. But my gratitude is not enough. Is still does not stop so many others from trying to do my parenting for me!

I can state exactly what these “others” would say at this point. They would state they HAVE to help me, or they HAVE to take over because I clearly am not parenting  properly  (in their minds!) and I clearly do not know right from wrong (again in their minds!). 

Strangers or acquaintances do it because they are rude and do not have the manners to control these impulses. Or they are so self-righteous they feel they have to teach others who need to be taught. But friends…ah yes, “friends”…people who I allow into my life as friends, some new, some old…these “friends” are the worst culprits of this offence.

When a person becomes my friend, they do not start off by speaking over me to my children or trying to parent for me. No, for if they did, I would not even accept their friendship. I think most of these friends have no intention of anything like this...in the beginning. But as they get to know me, rather than be accepting of my style and my ways, things slowly begin to unravel, and one by one, almost every friend I have made as a mother, becomes guilty of this disrespect towards me and my children.

I think it is example time. So I can better illustrate my point here. Some examples from my time in my village here in the UK are:

A “friend” I made here early on witnessed my eldest son speaking rudely to me outside the school one afternoon. I had already told him (which she did not hear) that his lego privileges would be revoked for 2 days. That was my calm and firm method of dealing with him, which I stick to. No need to fight with him or freak out, quiet justice is served. But no, as he continued to be rude to me and complain, whine and carry on, my friend overheard and came over to where we were standing and got in my son’s face and told him off, shaming him and being very fierce with him. Now, why did she feel the need to do that?  After he had walked away to get his scooter with a red face, she laughed and said, “That told him! You shouldn’t have to put up with that, my goodness you do let your children walk all over you!” I tried to explain I had already dealt with it but it was clear she did not believe me or even care. She had done her duty to parent for me.

Another example, is when my children are interrupting when I am speaking to a friend. This happens constantly. I will sometimes tell them to please wait, or I hold a finger up, or sometimes I don’t say anything and will tell the friend I am speaking to, one second, while I address whatever my child is saying, depending on whether I deem it important or not. Choose your battles, right? However, most of these “friends” here, will either 1. Turn to my child and immediately tell them sternly to wait if I have not said anything yet, or 2. Will tell them AGAIN to wait or chastise them for interrupting even if I have already told them, especially if they are pushing it and not listening to me (normal for children to push the issue if they are strong-willed spirits like mine are!) or 3. Will start lecturing me on how I need to get this matter in hand and deal with teaching my children some respect or how to listen!

Now what bothers me the most is that I never, EVER, do this to others. I witness this kind of thing constantly with other children and their parents and I would never be so rude as to step in and try and parent for someone else. When I have pointed this out to people, I am accused of thinking I am a “saint” or acting like I am better than they are. So it is a no-win situation.

Another example…when hanging out with friends and all our kids are playing together, at first it is all fine and fun. But very soon, whenever I suggest a playdate, it changes. It goes from the early days of, sure yes, come on over, or we will come to yours, etc…to hmmm, are yours going to behave? Will they listen? I don’t know if I feel like dealing with your lot today! I just cleaned the house and your kids are not exactly tidy. Wow. How is it I would never say that to someone else, yet almost every friend I make has no problem eventually speaking that way to me? Their kids are not perfect either and have been naughty at my house too but I would never say that. I might make an excuse as to why they can’t come play, but would never be so rude to put someone down like that. Yet people constantly feel it is fine to speak this way to me. And from there, the friendship starts to crumble.

I also have a 5-second rule for dropping food on the ground. I am not freaked out by germs and unconcerned if my child picks up a sweet or whatever they drop. But friends and strangers often will jump in and correct my child from doing this, even with me standing right there and saying nothing. Does my silent presence indicate that I have no clue as a parent how to teach children how “wrong” this is? Strangers have no manners by jumping in and they don’t know me, but friends will be well aware where I stand about these things and it may have been discussed at length, but yet they still jump in and parent for me! Why is that ok for them? But if I did that to their child? They would not be happy with me and would likely let me know it. 

I never say anything to go against people who do any of this parenting for me, other than perhaps smiling and assuring them I am good, it is fine. And maybe that is my problem…maybe I am supposed to speak up sternly to others and not allow it to happen? But when in the midst of a promising new friendship, the last thing I want to do is make any uncomfortable moments or rock the boat. But by not rocking the boat, it just keeps sinking anyway so what is a parent to do?

I don’t think these issues are ever going to go away. And I don’t feel like changing who I am and turning into a fierce, unapproachable person giving off angry energy. So all I can do is put up with it, and point  out to my children that it is rude of these strangers, acquaintances or “friends”, that they don’t have to listen to anyone other than me, and lead by example to them of how NOT to behave. They will never see me trying to parent someone else’s child in front of the parents. I just have more common sense and decency than that.