My seven year old son is prone to anger episodes. Thankfully they are occurring less and less since we eliminated the angry “problem” from our lives two years ago now - Daddy. But the residual damage is still there and it is a work in progress dealing with it and helping him overcome it.
I blame myself for staying with my ex-husband as long as I did. But my heart yearned for the fairy-tale with him, the fairy-tale which sadly could never be. I worked so hard to help him see all the good in life and to embrace the positive. But he could never find it, not even in the smiles from our children.
So it is what it is and I try to focus on all the good that came from our union and the awareness that my intentions were pure and my focus was to have a happy family. I hung on as long as I possibly could. But I had to admit defeat once my firstborn son began showing clear signs of imitating his father’s angry behaviour. That was when I knew my fairy tale would have a different ending. This Metal Queen had to leave her Punk King to be swallowed whole by his angry dragons, to ensure the young princes and princess were free from that same fate. My son would have followed his father straight into the belly of the dragon, no question. He loves his Daddy so fiercely and deeply, but with his presence a mere memory now, we are free to embrace positivity, happiness and dance in the rain.
Every so often though, a dark thundercloud settles over my son’s head and he becomes his father’s young prodigy in anger once again. His body language and his words eerily echo his fathers and I am taken back in time. I could not help my ex-husband. But I sure as hell am determined to help my son.
My ex-sister-in-law even had the ignorance to say to me, “How can you blame my brother for any of the anger and bad behaviour in your kids since he has barely seen them in the past couple of years!” I think that misguided statement speaks for itself. She has her own anger issues though so of course she would be unable to understand the complexity and depth of child psychology.
Many of the people I cast out of my life this past year are afflicted with the same anger my ex-husband carried around. My son came up with the ideal term for classifying this condition in people: Angeritis. He can now see this problem in people so clearly and often will ask me, after a bus driver or another parent has been unjustly rude to us, “Do they have the angeritis?” For him to recognize this issue at such a young age will only serve to help him overcome his own struggles with angeritis.
One of the exercises I use to help my son dispel his bouts of angeritis is a little game called, “come on, get happy!” As soon as I see those dark thunderclouds rolling in and blotting out his smile, I initiate the game. The “angry” person has to stop, take a deep breath, and then list off five things that they are grateful for and happy about. When someone is consumed with anger, this is a really hard task to complete. But I have been blessed with endless patience when it comes to my children, and I just wait him out, however long it takes. Life cannot resume until the game has been played, even if it takes hours to get started. Well, thankfully, it has never taken hours…I think the longest start-up time for my son was about 20 minutes.
As the grumbly grateful list gets started, it usually contains obvious things…like being grateful the sun is shining, or happy about not being sick. As the theme progresses and more “happy” points are brought forward, it never fails to have the anger dissipate and fall away. Slowly but surely, we turn that frown upside down and it simply becomes impossible to stay in that anger zone once the game is well underway.
When you are thinking about everything in your life that you are happy about and grateful for, it truly does make a difference to your mood. It sure does for my little boy…and for that, I am happy and grateful, each and every day.
one day where we will live
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
From Boys To Men
A few years ago, thanks to the marvelous social media invention called Facebook, I was able to reconnect with an old junior high school boyfriend, whom I had not spoken to for over twenty years. We picked up where we left off so many years ago with ease, and quickly developed a strong adult friendship, enjoying lengthy and meaningful phone conversations every few weeks or more.
He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.
But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.
I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.
I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.
I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J
One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?
We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.
Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.
Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”
I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?
But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?
Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?
I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!
I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.
A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.
He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.
But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.
I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.
I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.
I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J
One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?
We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.
Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.
Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”
I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?
But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?
Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?
I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!
I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.
A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Letting Go
41 has been a difficult yet enlightening year of my life. In another month and a half I will be 42 and hopefully that is the start of the new phase of my life that 41has clearly set the stage for.
In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.
It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)
One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.
After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.
Her exact words:
“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”
Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.
I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.
My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.
People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry
I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.
Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".
But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.
If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.
For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?
Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?
Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?
Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?
If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.
Peace.
In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.
It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)
One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.
After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.
Her exact words:
“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”
Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.
I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.
My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.
People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry
I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.
Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".
But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.
If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.
For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?
Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?
Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?
Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?
If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.
Peace.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Hoarding or Hibernation?
Let’s face it…unless you live under a rock or you turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to what is happening in the world around us, I feel it is safe to say most people are aware of the increasing earth/climate changes and subsequent natural disasters that continue occurring, with increasingly devastating proportions.
Some people say, oh this has always happened…it is natural for the earth to behave this way and always has, this is just another of the earth’s cycles, etc. I can’t figure out if those people are so unaware (or afraid?) that they bury their heads in the sand and then, for their own comfort, try to pass it off as media fear-mongering. It seems that way. But some people may honestly believe nothing is going on, and that’s their right to feel that way. So long as it hurts no one else. Just as those who believe the earth is in flux, should also not promote or push their feelings and ideas onto non-believers. But healthy awareness and discussion is a good thing.
It is hard to get this message across to a child sometimes though. Especially my extremely opinionated seven year old son! He is eager and excited to correct people who litter, smoke or seem uncaring about the environment. And because he watches a lot of documentaries on the earth, the solar system and a fair amount of global news coverage, he is also very apt to want people to be aware of what he interprets as major earth changes. I gently encourage him to express his feelings and opinions, but not to become upset or angry if others do not agree with him. Which is a good reminder for my own conduct too.
During the recent media storm surrounding both the “Super Moon” and the Japan earthquake, followed by the new war erupting in Libya, he began to wonder what we could do to help? And what if that happened to us? Who would help us? We engage in lengthy discussions about such possibilities, and I share information with him of both fact and speculation. No one knows for sure when or if we will be hit by any type of natural or manmade disaster but one thing we can do, is be aware enough of the POSSIBILITY to take a few, low-key precautions.
My mum talked to the children about Libya and used it in conjunction with the ongoing real-life history lessons she teaches them, based on her personal experiences serving in WW2, followed by life as an immigrant to North America. One point she stresses to all of us is how important it is to be prepared for any potential crisis in a similar way to how she (and all of England) mobilized and steeled themselves for WW2. She reiterates how “together” the entire nation was and how ready each person was to go with less and to fight hand-to-hand, if need be, every single German that tried to invade and conquer them. She talked to them about rationing and hoarding, and appreciating the value and use of every item you own. These sentiments are lost in today’s world but she aims to keep those teachings alive and remembered in me and mine.
We are so lucky to have this living history with us all the time. A lesson most recently (re)-learned is that of (useful) hoarding. One of my ex-best friends would chide me for any unnecessary “hoarding” and she was often cynical and lacking in compassion to my tales of how many glass jars, coffee containers or paper and plastic bags I would discover my mum had been secreting away in cupboards over the years, as my role of caregiver grew. On the advice of my ex-best friend, I began discarding all of these items mum would be hoarding. They weren’t messy or nasty at all; everything was clean and tucked away in cupboards. This is nothing like those horrible car-crash-mentality hoarding shows that are on TV. Gross.
No, this was just my mum’s wartime thinking so deeply ingrained into every fibre of her being, that she was always sure to “waste not, want not.”
As I have quietly taken in all of the earth changes and worldwide political upheaval, with either a disaster or a war on every day’s news headlines, I started thinking hmmm, maybe my Mum is right about the selective hoarding. Maybe it is smart to save. Recycle that which is NOT useful, but hang onto all that has value and/or potential future value. Not just for ourselves, but for those in our neighbourhood…friends…family. I would happily share with anyone who asked for my help. And I would not charge a dime. (Unlike far too many right-wing bible thumpers (or just ignorant thumping of any type!) that I have had the misfortune to encounter.)
So in the spirit of this thinking, the children and I decided to start a water farm. This came to mind after the Japan earthquake of March, 2011. The big one for Japan. And what does that mean for us? One story we heard from Japan, repeated many times over, was the lack of water for the people who survived. So many people who thankfully only had minor home damage, were left without water. No water for flushing toilets, bathing or drinking. And should a disaster befall the Pacific west coast that we live on, it would be good to be prepared with water. Thus, the water farm was born.
No longer do we put our plastic 4 litre milk jugs in the recycling bin. We now clean them and fill them with water, then store them in our massive basement storage room. They are not taking room away from anything else. They sit on shelves and floor space that was formerly bare. But we go through three 4 litre jugs in a week, as well as assorted 2 litre pop bottles, and after only two months of working our water farm, we have amassed over 40 bottles of water. The children are so proud of these efforts to be prepared and to not waste the useful containers. And I am so proud of them for realizing how important this type of thinking is, and their ability to be diligent and sensible about it instead of freaked-out or overly sensational.
So many items we have been encouraged to recycle have more value than we realize. My mum knew what she was doing with the WW2-mentality “hoarding”. She was actually wise to save all those plastic and paper bags, glass jars, coffee containers, used gift wrap, various sizes of cardboard boxes, and many other assorted potentially useful items. My ex-best friend did not see the value in these items, much in the same way she did not value my friendship. Just throw it all away was her mantra, don’t keep clutter, don’t hang onto anything, bulldoze that clutter down for a happier life!
I have come to see how wrong she was. One day these items could be useful, so isn’t it best to be prepared? Better safe than sorry? Shouldn’t we try to learn from those who came before? Those who lived through harsher times? Those who know better?
Because as Oprah recently summed up beautifully…when you know better, you do better.
We live with awareness. We are not consumed with worry but we are aware. Just in case. This is not the ugly hoarding that is sensationalized on TV. This is prepared hibernation. For when and if we ever need it.
Some people say, oh this has always happened…it is natural for the earth to behave this way and always has, this is just another of the earth’s cycles, etc. I can’t figure out if those people are so unaware (or afraid?) that they bury their heads in the sand and then, for their own comfort, try to pass it off as media fear-mongering. It seems that way. But some people may honestly believe nothing is going on, and that’s their right to feel that way. So long as it hurts no one else. Just as those who believe the earth is in flux, should also not promote or push their feelings and ideas onto non-believers. But healthy awareness and discussion is a good thing.
It is hard to get this message across to a child sometimes though. Especially my extremely opinionated seven year old son! He is eager and excited to correct people who litter, smoke or seem uncaring about the environment. And because he watches a lot of documentaries on the earth, the solar system and a fair amount of global news coverage, he is also very apt to want people to be aware of what he interprets as major earth changes. I gently encourage him to express his feelings and opinions, but not to become upset or angry if others do not agree with him. Which is a good reminder for my own conduct too.
During the recent media storm surrounding both the “Super Moon” and the Japan earthquake, followed by the new war erupting in Libya, he began to wonder what we could do to help? And what if that happened to us? Who would help us? We engage in lengthy discussions about such possibilities, and I share information with him of both fact and speculation. No one knows for sure when or if we will be hit by any type of natural or manmade disaster but one thing we can do, is be aware enough of the POSSIBILITY to take a few, low-key precautions.
My mum talked to the children about Libya and used it in conjunction with the ongoing real-life history lessons she teaches them, based on her personal experiences serving in WW2, followed by life as an immigrant to North America. One point she stresses to all of us is how important it is to be prepared for any potential crisis in a similar way to how she (and all of England) mobilized and steeled themselves for WW2. She reiterates how “together” the entire nation was and how ready each person was to go with less and to fight hand-to-hand, if need be, every single German that tried to invade and conquer them. She talked to them about rationing and hoarding, and appreciating the value and use of every item you own. These sentiments are lost in today’s world but she aims to keep those teachings alive and remembered in me and mine.
We are so lucky to have this living history with us all the time. A lesson most recently (re)-learned is that of (useful) hoarding. One of my ex-best friends would chide me for any unnecessary “hoarding” and she was often cynical and lacking in compassion to my tales of how many glass jars, coffee containers or paper and plastic bags I would discover my mum had been secreting away in cupboards over the years, as my role of caregiver grew. On the advice of my ex-best friend, I began discarding all of these items mum would be hoarding. They weren’t messy or nasty at all; everything was clean and tucked away in cupboards. This is nothing like those horrible car-crash-mentality hoarding shows that are on TV. Gross.
No, this was just my mum’s wartime thinking so deeply ingrained into every fibre of her being, that she was always sure to “waste not, want not.”
As I have quietly taken in all of the earth changes and worldwide political upheaval, with either a disaster or a war on every day’s news headlines, I started thinking hmmm, maybe my Mum is right about the selective hoarding. Maybe it is smart to save. Recycle that which is NOT useful, but hang onto all that has value and/or potential future value. Not just for ourselves, but for those in our neighbourhood…friends…family. I would happily share with anyone who asked for my help. And I would not charge a dime. (Unlike far too many right-wing bible thumpers (or just ignorant thumping of any type!) that I have had the misfortune to encounter.)
So in the spirit of this thinking, the children and I decided to start a water farm. This came to mind after the Japan earthquake of March, 2011. The big one for Japan. And what does that mean for us? One story we heard from Japan, repeated many times over, was the lack of water for the people who survived. So many people who thankfully only had minor home damage, were left without water. No water for flushing toilets, bathing or drinking. And should a disaster befall the Pacific west coast that we live on, it would be good to be prepared with water. Thus, the water farm was born.
No longer do we put our plastic 4 litre milk jugs in the recycling bin. We now clean them and fill them with water, then store them in our massive basement storage room. They are not taking room away from anything else. They sit on shelves and floor space that was formerly bare. But we go through three 4 litre jugs in a week, as well as assorted 2 litre pop bottles, and after only two months of working our water farm, we have amassed over 40 bottles of water. The children are so proud of these efforts to be prepared and to not waste the useful containers. And I am so proud of them for realizing how important this type of thinking is, and their ability to be diligent and sensible about it instead of freaked-out or overly sensational.
So many items we have been encouraged to recycle have more value than we realize. My mum knew what she was doing with the WW2-mentality “hoarding”. She was actually wise to save all those plastic and paper bags, glass jars, coffee containers, used gift wrap, various sizes of cardboard boxes, and many other assorted potentially useful items. My ex-best friend did not see the value in these items, much in the same way she did not value my friendship. Just throw it all away was her mantra, don’t keep clutter, don’t hang onto anything, bulldoze that clutter down for a happier life!
I have come to see how wrong she was. One day these items could be useful, so isn’t it best to be prepared? Better safe than sorry? Shouldn’t we try to learn from those who came before? Those who lived through harsher times? Those who know better?
Because as Oprah recently summed up beautifully…when you know better, you do better.
We live with awareness. We are not consumed with worry but we are aware. Just in case. This is not the ugly hoarding that is sensationalized on TV. This is prepared hibernation. For when and if we ever need it.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I Kind Of Always Knew You’d End Up My Ex-Best Friends.
Oh, Gwen. You really nailed it with that song. Boyfriend or Girlfriend…Family member or Best Friend…pretty similarly emotionally charged details when you come right down to it.
This year I walked away from my two best friends. Or they walked away from me. Whichever. It all gets lost in the details really. But for those relationships, the bell had finally tolled.
As an eternal optimist, I will always hold a little hope that they change their minds or have a light-bulb moment of understanding and realize how valuable I was to them. Or maybe clue in to how much value they were to me. But I can’t dwell on that optimism. The chances are slim I think.
As our relationships wound to a close, one of my ex-best friends turned some of my own words that I had said to her, back onto myself: it must be something inside of you.
This made it painfully clear to me how sad it was in how little she really knew me or “got” me because I already had dug deep with that very question. It was my own self analysis of that exact thought that has made me the woman of integrity I am today. And I had discussed the depth of my feelings on this subject with her countless times. Maybe she heard but she did not listen. Maybe she never really wanted to.
It is hard for those who have known you your entire life (or for a major portion of it) to grasp though. It is hard for them to see beyond the person they once knew…the person you used to be…and the person they refuse to see in any other way precisely because of that negative, skewed, preconceived notion which truly is the problem inside of themselves.
That inner stuff that makes me so concerned about what friends and family think of me or feel about me is exactly what I have come to be able to address and feel unafraid to approach people about. Confrontation is not a fun thing. But sometimes it is a necessary thing in order to see who to keep in your inner circle in life and who is not conducive to your own happiness.
People will generally show their true colours eventually. The key is being wise enough to see them. Paying attention to how they treat you with their words, behaviours or gestures. Asking yourself if you would behave in the same way or considering if you once would have but feel ashamed for those actions now. Questioning anything that does not seem right…if it quacks like a duck, it probably IS a duck. But sometimes we still want to think it is a chicken. To actually see that quacker for what it is means dealing with the loud quacking and disruptiveness that may come from hanging out with a duck. Just look at Joey and Chandler!
I do like ducks though. One day I hope we own some and can be a family for them and have a little hobby farm. J But metaphorically speaking, as I watch, listen and learn human behaviour better and better, I can now see the ducks far clearer from the chickens.
No, there is nothing inside of me that has not already been self analyzed to death, worked on, studied and altered. She was wrong to use my own words back at me because it was not about me. She was merely deflecting from addressing the issue herself. She was doing what my ex-husband was amazingly good at: avoidance and blame and finger pointing. Anything to say, “it’s not my fault, it’s ”YOURS!” Instead of HEARING what was being said, what the discrepancy was and what the deeper meaning may be about.
She, who once claimed to be a queen of debate could not even debate with herself. When push came to shove, she had no control over words, she reverted to playground bully. And did loads of shoving. I think down deep it is where she always wanted to be with me…back to childhood, and back where she could exact revenge on me for all the things she actually never forgave me for.
The other ex-best friend and I rarely shared a cross word or had heated debates. I felt she was my rock and I was hers, through good times and bad. But like in marriages, even friendships sometimes cannot withstand or weather the storms of change. I had been holding onto issues about her feelings towards me in various respects that worried me, concerned me. These were things I truly wanted to question and bring to light, but I was afraid. I was scared if I “rocked the boat” and made any waves with her, she would leave me to drown and not throw me a life preserver. I was absolutely correct. I brought these issues to light and expressed how upset I was, laying bare my feelings, and just as predicted, she used it as her opportunity to slam the door in my face. It hurt but once again, I knew it was not me. This was something inside of her.
When faced with great pain or betrayal we sometimes act and behave in pathetic ways with emotionally charged diatribe, lashing out with feelings that are almost too much to bear. Shania knows. On Oprah she let it be known she too was guilty of sending pathetic letters from her emotionally destroyed heart. And when the recipients of those pathetic words reject, belittle or maintain a closed and cold heart to the depth of feeling being hurled at them, then the sad ending is simply meant to be just that: a sad ending. For when the love is not returned, it can only be an ending. And a lesson to take with you to the next chapter of your life.
The point is, if someone tells you that you hurt them or if they have questions about issues or problems within the relationship, and they take the time to explain how, and why they feel that way, along with a desire to understand and work it out, try and show some kindness and compassion to their feelings. Try to actually “address” all the discrepancies and issues they bring up instead of using deflection and finger pointing. Even if the things they want to address with you hurt you or make you angry, why add insult to injury and make it worse? Why not just ask yourself all the tough questions they are asking you and try and answer them free of anger?
Because if you can’t, then they were right to have all those questions and be feeling that way all along. Right?
Right.
This year I walked away from my two best friends. Or they walked away from me. Whichever. It all gets lost in the details really. But for those relationships, the bell had finally tolled.
As an eternal optimist, I will always hold a little hope that they change their minds or have a light-bulb moment of understanding and realize how valuable I was to them. Or maybe clue in to how much value they were to me. But I can’t dwell on that optimism. The chances are slim I think.
As our relationships wound to a close, one of my ex-best friends turned some of my own words that I had said to her, back onto myself: it must be something inside of you.
This made it painfully clear to me how sad it was in how little she really knew me or “got” me because I already had dug deep with that very question. It was my own self analysis of that exact thought that has made me the woman of integrity I am today. And I had discussed the depth of my feelings on this subject with her countless times. Maybe she heard but she did not listen. Maybe she never really wanted to.
It is hard for those who have known you your entire life (or for a major portion of it) to grasp though. It is hard for them to see beyond the person they once knew…the person you used to be…and the person they refuse to see in any other way precisely because of that negative, skewed, preconceived notion which truly is the problem inside of themselves.
That inner stuff that makes me so concerned about what friends and family think of me or feel about me is exactly what I have come to be able to address and feel unafraid to approach people about. Confrontation is not a fun thing. But sometimes it is a necessary thing in order to see who to keep in your inner circle in life and who is not conducive to your own happiness.
People will generally show their true colours eventually. The key is being wise enough to see them. Paying attention to how they treat you with their words, behaviours or gestures. Asking yourself if you would behave in the same way or considering if you once would have but feel ashamed for those actions now. Questioning anything that does not seem right…if it quacks like a duck, it probably IS a duck. But sometimes we still want to think it is a chicken. To actually see that quacker for what it is means dealing with the loud quacking and disruptiveness that may come from hanging out with a duck. Just look at Joey and Chandler!
I do like ducks though. One day I hope we own some and can be a family for them and have a little hobby farm. J But metaphorically speaking, as I watch, listen and learn human behaviour better and better, I can now see the ducks far clearer from the chickens.
No, there is nothing inside of me that has not already been self analyzed to death, worked on, studied and altered. She was wrong to use my own words back at me because it was not about me. She was merely deflecting from addressing the issue herself. She was doing what my ex-husband was amazingly good at: avoidance and blame and finger pointing. Anything to say, “it’s not my fault, it’s ”YOURS!” Instead of HEARING what was being said, what the discrepancy was and what the deeper meaning may be about.
She, who once claimed to be a queen of debate could not even debate with herself. When push came to shove, she had no control over words, she reverted to playground bully. And did loads of shoving. I think down deep it is where she always wanted to be with me…back to childhood, and back where she could exact revenge on me for all the things she actually never forgave me for.
The other ex-best friend and I rarely shared a cross word or had heated debates. I felt she was my rock and I was hers, through good times and bad. But like in marriages, even friendships sometimes cannot withstand or weather the storms of change. I had been holding onto issues about her feelings towards me in various respects that worried me, concerned me. These were things I truly wanted to question and bring to light, but I was afraid. I was scared if I “rocked the boat” and made any waves with her, she would leave me to drown and not throw me a life preserver. I was absolutely correct. I brought these issues to light and expressed how upset I was, laying bare my feelings, and just as predicted, she used it as her opportunity to slam the door in my face. It hurt but once again, I knew it was not me. This was something inside of her.
When faced with great pain or betrayal we sometimes act and behave in pathetic ways with emotionally charged diatribe, lashing out with feelings that are almost too much to bear. Shania knows. On Oprah she let it be known she too was guilty of sending pathetic letters from her emotionally destroyed heart. And when the recipients of those pathetic words reject, belittle or maintain a closed and cold heart to the depth of feeling being hurled at them, then the sad ending is simply meant to be just that: a sad ending. For when the love is not returned, it can only be an ending. And a lesson to take with you to the next chapter of your life.
The point is, if someone tells you that you hurt them or if they have questions about issues or problems within the relationship, and they take the time to explain how, and why they feel that way, along with a desire to understand and work it out, try and show some kindness and compassion to their feelings. Try to actually “address” all the discrepancies and issues they bring up instead of using deflection and finger pointing. Even if the things they want to address with you hurt you or make you angry, why add insult to injury and make it worse? Why not just ask yourself all the tough questions they are asking you and try and answer them free of anger?
Because if you can’t, then they were right to have all those questions and be feeling that way all along. Right?
Right.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Ranting and Raving and Garbage
Ranting and raving are two words that usually accompany “lunatic” more often than not. But I am using them today to describe what my blogs are all too frequently in the vein of. And most definitely today’s blog is a full on “rant”. But isn’t that almost the point of a blog? To express one’s feelings? To put those feelings out there to the world (albeit the cyber-world) and hope they resonate with the people who choose to read them?
I would much rather spew forth a ranting blog on the topics that irk me in life instead of expelling any of those raving sentiments to people directly. And I always feel so much guilt when I do direct my feelings at someone personally, so blogging is honestly the better way to do it. Along with journalling and other expressions of creativity.
But I like feeling as though maybe, just maybe, there are others out there who “get it” and understand where I am coming from. Because the people who I have been up close and personal with in life have often completely let me down. Which is why most of them are no longer in my life and for that I am filled with a lot more peace these days.
However, despite the removal of most non-positive individuals from my life, I continue to deal with these same types of people and face a great lack of kindness shown to me as a single mum where I reside, in this pretty little coastal, rural B.C. spot. These types of people are getting easier for me to recognize though, and even easier to cast aside and move my mind forward with happier thoughts.
Today was no exception. This morning was garbage day. I struggled up my very steep driveway with an overly full can, as usual. And also as usual, my robust male neighbour was working in the bordering driveway and did not drop what he was doing to help me in my struggles or to even OFFER to help me. People just don’t do that any more it seems and it dismays me so much. It is a lesson I constantly point out to my own children to try and get them to see how wrong it is to not rush and help someone who needs it, and I try and lead by example, helping others whenever possible.
I tried to dismiss my thoughts of this lack of neighbourly kindness but they resurfaced shortly when there was a knock at my door. A man stood there and introduced himself as a neighbour from across the road. I had never met him before. He proceeded to inform me that some crows had attacked my garbage and it was now all over the road, dirty diapers, etc, with the smell blowing into his yard.
I apologized and said I would deal with it once I got the baby to sleep, in a couple of hours. He looked annoyed at this, and said he did not like the smell, the mess was unsightly and all over the road, and the crows would only keep at it. I explained to him, while moving my 40lb two year old to my other hip (holding a struggling baby while having a conversation is difficult but holding him was the only option unless I wanted to try and converse while chasing him all over the front garden!) that I did not have anyone to help me. I was on my own, other than my nearly 88 year old mum, who at present was not too well and was resting. I could not just leave the baby in the house while I went off to clean up garbage and it simply would have to wait.
He did not know what to say to this so instead began berating me for not having a lid on my can and noted how he often saw my garbage piled over the top of the can. I told him with three children, my cans always overflow. He suggested I use a second can. I countered his suggestion with the reality of not being able to afford the city rates to pay for a second can, and in order to have a second can, one must go to the town offices to buy the forms and when I am in town with all three children, I do not exactly want to try and find those offices and add that to my (usually) huge list of other tasks and errands I already have to undertake on my own, on foot.
He sort of shrugged and reiterated again that it really does need to be dealt with so I smiled sweetly and asked what I felt was the obvious thought from the start, “Would it be possible for you to help me? I would truly appreciate the extra kindness shown to me from a neighbour who can understand my circumstances and perhaps extend that helping hand to me, a single mum who does not have ANY help at all. My other neighbour does not even come and help me when he sees me struggling up the driveway with the loaded garbage, so it would really restore my faith in neighbourly kindness if you would help me out…”
He started to mumble “…well, what will you do next week?” And then he shifted back and forth on his feet and added it was not really his responsibility.
I kept smiling and just kept letting him know how much I would appreciate his help since I had NONE. And how so few people in this community even attempt to help me. Sure, this community gives to oodles of charities worldwide, but what about the helping hand between neighbours? What has happened to that?
I soapboxed to him until he finally grew weary of listening to me cause him to have some guilty feelings (as he rightly should!) and he turned to go, stating he would get it cleaned up for me. This time. I thanked him immensely and honestly do appreciate the help…it just shouldn’t be so difficult to get it.
We will be baking cookies later and leaving them on his doorstep with a thank you card. And I can only hope that my gesture of gratitude will perhaps help him understand how important and how appreciated his help was.
I hope when my children grow up, they will have learned from this experience that rather than going and telling a neighbour what a bird has done to their garbage, choose instead to take the initiative of grabbing a garbage bag and cleaning up the mess…just to be a kind and nice neighbour.
I would much rather spew forth a ranting blog on the topics that irk me in life instead of expelling any of those raving sentiments to people directly. And I always feel so much guilt when I do direct my feelings at someone personally, so blogging is honestly the better way to do it. Along with journalling and other expressions of creativity.
But I like feeling as though maybe, just maybe, there are others out there who “get it” and understand where I am coming from. Because the people who I have been up close and personal with in life have often completely let me down. Which is why most of them are no longer in my life and for that I am filled with a lot more peace these days.
However, despite the removal of most non-positive individuals from my life, I continue to deal with these same types of people and face a great lack of kindness shown to me as a single mum where I reside, in this pretty little coastal, rural B.C. spot. These types of people are getting easier for me to recognize though, and even easier to cast aside and move my mind forward with happier thoughts.
Today was no exception. This morning was garbage day. I struggled up my very steep driveway with an overly full can, as usual. And also as usual, my robust male neighbour was working in the bordering driveway and did not drop what he was doing to help me in my struggles or to even OFFER to help me. People just don’t do that any more it seems and it dismays me so much. It is a lesson I constantly point out to my own children to try and get them to see how wrong it is to not rush and help someone who needs it, and I try and lead by example, helping others whenever possible.
I tried to dismiss my thoughts of this lack of neighbourly kindness but they resurfaced shortly when there was a knock at my door. A man stood there and introduced himself as a neighbour from across the road. I had never met him before. He proceeded to inform me that some crows had attacked my garbage and it was now all over the road, dirty diapers, etc, with the smell blowing into his yard.
I apologized and said I would deal with it once I got the baby to sleep, in a couple of hours. He looked annoyed at this, and said he did not like the smell, the mess was unsightly and all over the road, and the crows would only keep at it. I explained to him, while moving my 40lb two year old to my other hip (holding a struggling baby while having a conversation is difficult but holding him was the only option unless I wanted to try and converse while chasing him all over the front garden!) that I did not have anyone to help me. I was on my own, other than my nearly 88 year old mum, who at present was not too well and was resting. I could not just leave the baby in the house while I went off to clean up garbage and it simply would have to wait.
He did not know what to say to this so instead began berating me for not having a lid on my can and noted how he often saw my garbage piled over the top of the can. I told him with three children, my cans always overflow. He suggested I use a second can. I countered his suggestion with the reality of not being able to afford the city rates to pay for a second can, and in order to have a second can, one must go to the town offices to buy the forms and when I am in town with all three children, I do not exactly want to try and find those offices and add that to my (usually) huge list of other tasks and errands I already have to undertake on my own, on foot.
He sort of shrugged and reiterated again that it really does need to be dealt with so I smiled sweetly and asked what I felt was the obvious thought from the start, “Would it be possible for you to help me? I would truly appreciate the extra kindness shown to me from a neighbour who can understand my circumstances and perhaps extend that helping hand to me, a single mum who does not have ANY help at all. My other neighbour does not even come and help me when he sees me struggling up the driveway with the loaded garbage, so it would really restore my faith in neighbourly kindness if you would help me out…”
He started to mumble “…well, what will you do next week?” And then he shifted back and forth on his feet and added it was not really his responsibility.
I kept smiling and just kept letting him know how much I would appreciate his help since I had NONE. And how so few people in this community even attempt to help me. Sure, this community gives to oodles of charities worldwide, but what about the helping hand between neighbours? What has happened to that?
I soapboxed to him until he finally grew weary of listening to me cause him to have some guilty feelings (as he rightly should!) and he turned to go, stating he would get it cleaned up for me. This time. I thanked him immensely and honestly do appreciate the help…it just shouldn’t be so difficult to get it.
We will be baking cookies later and leaving them on his doorstep with a thank you card. And I can only hope that my gesture of gratitude will perhaps help him understand how important and how appreciated his help was.
I hope when my children grow up, they will have learned from this experience that rather than going and telling a neighbour what a bird has done to their garbage, choose instead to take the initiative of grabbing a garbage bag and cleaning up the mess…just to be a kind and nice neighbour.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When will attitudes change regarding the elderly?
Back in 2007 on my former blog spot over at myspace, I wrote a blog on my frustration surrounding the lack of compassion for the elderly. After a recent blow-out here with the public library, along with continued strife in the home support offices, (in my THIRD community of residence since 2007) the lack of kindness or compassion towards the elderly is on the rise all over it seems. It is still predominant during customer service phone calls from people all across Canada, but when I am faced with this cruel outlook towards the elderly on a local basis, it makes it far more up-close and personal, hitting home harder. It makes me wonder what the future holds for our “supposedly” most respected and revered citizens.
13 Feb 2007
The elderly and the lack of respect they get.....
As my mother's primary caregiver, I grow increasingly frustrated with the great lack of respect and compassion for the elderly. On Mum's behalf, I speak to many different organizations that represent services for the elderly; services that she receives from Veteran's Affairs, Home Support, etc, and so many of the people who work for these service organizations, just DO NOT care about the elderly that they represent! They are supposed to be working FOR the elderly, yet so many of them are rude and don't have a shred of compassion to offer when the need arises!
A lot (but not all) of the home support workers who come to bathe Mum and deal with her personal care are great....nice, caring individuals. However, all too often people in the offices that take care of scheduling, or invoicing, etc, are snippy and rude and clearly take great offense to many of the services these "old people" are getting! I get the feeling from them that they feel they are being deprived personally or out of pocket somehow from these old people getting so much....when in fact, the elderly should be catered to and cared for with golden glove service!! Especially the war vets who fought for our freedom, as Mum did!
Why is it such a problem to lay out the red carpet for the elderly? Don't they deserve it? Seriously, the elderly (and children) are the ones who should be given the most in this world from our governments and should also be given care and consideration from the rest of society!
Yet so few seem to really care. Can people not realize that we will ALL get old and need help and want compassion and consideration for our aches and pains and grouchy, elderly moods? And can people not remember what it is like to be a child and how great it is to be indulged a little in life? And if someone wasn't fortunate enough to be given love or compassion as a child, shouldn't that be even more of a reason to want to give that out to children now? Or to the elderly?
There are just so many angry, non-compassionate people out there who cannot give to those who deserve it most, who do not know how to give or clue in to what is most important in life....and it makes me so frustrated!
The scheduling department at Home Support never phone to say when Mum's regular worker is off sick and a replacement will be coming, and this is so stressful for her. All of a sudden a stranger appears to bathe her after she has formed a rapport with her regular worker....and when I phone and complain to scheduling, they just say well, we don't have time to call everyone, we are busy making schedules and we have over 300 clients to deal with! They give ME attitude instead of showing a little care and concern for my mother's feelings! And when I say that to them, they act like, so what? It isn't a big deal and that's life, tough. Well, what about common human decency? And if they don't have the staff to call all the elderly clients who they have made scheduling changes for, then find some volunteers to do it! Or at least be sorry about not being able to call! But they, like so many others who work in service for the elderly, care more about their paycheck than they do about the elderly people they are supposed to be working for!
And it isn't only the people of my generation (and older) working for the elderly who have this lack of compassion.....it is many of the younger people of today too! So often I hear a lack of patience or kindness shown towards the elderly...teenagers who think that all old people do is complain and bring them down. But these teenagers are usually the children of people who don't care and have no compassion to teach their children so this cycle continues!
I have heard from so many people, of all generations, that they don't think the elderly deserve any special treatment. That they shouldn't be excused for bad temperment or complaints or aches and pains...and these are usually the same people who show little support or sympathy for children getting any special treatment or "extras" in life either!
There are just too many unconcerned, uncompassionate, hollow people out there and I fear it is getting worse, not better. But I am thankful to have a higher thought capacity to be able to give where it counts....to the children and to the elderly...and hopefully I can spread that goodness to enough people who's lives I touch, to make a difference.
Whoever reads this....please be good to your children and your elderly. Please give in compassion, forgiveness and care....and above all, real love.
13 Feb 2007
The elderly and the lack of respect they get.....
As my mother's primary caregiver, I grow increasingly frustrated with the great lack of respect and compassion for the elderly. On Mum's behalf, I speak to many different organizations that represent services for the elderly; services that she receives from Veteran's Affairs, Home Support, etc, and so many of the people who work for these service organizations, just DO NOT care about the elderly that they represent! They are supposed to be working FOR the elderly, yet so many of them are rude and don't have a shred of compassion to offer when the need arises!
A lot (but not all) of the home support workers who come to bathe Mum and deal with her personal care are great....nice, caring individuals. However, all too often people in the offices that take care of scheduling, or invoicing, etc, are snippy and rude and clearly take great offense to many of the services these "old people" are getting! I get the feeling from them that they feel they are being deprived personally or out of pocket somehow from these old people getting so much....when in fact, the elderly should be catered to and cared for with golden glove service!! Especially the war vets who fought for our freedom, as Mum did!
Why is it such a problem to lay out the red carpet for the elderly? Don't they deserve it? Seriously, the elderly (and children) are the ones who should be given the most in this world from our governments and should also be given care and consideration from the rest of society!
Yet so few seem to really care. Can people not realize that we will ALL get old and need help and want compassion and consideration for our aches and pains and grouchy, elderly moods? And can people not remember what it is like to be a child and how great it is to be indulged a little in life? And if someone wasn't fortunate enough to be given love or compassion as a child, shouldn't that be even more of a reason to want to give that out to children now? Or to the elderly?
There are just so many angry, non-compassionate people out there who cannot give to those who deserve it most, who do not know how to give or clue in to what is most important in life....and it makes me so frustrated!
The scheduling department at Home Support never phone to say when Mum's regular worker is off sick and a replacement will be coming, and this is so stressful for her. All of a sudden a stranger appears to bathe her after she has formed a rapport with her regular worker....and when I phone and complain to scheduling, they just say well, we don't have time to call everyone, we are busy making schedules and we have over 300 clients to deal with! They give ME attitude instead of showing a little care and concern for my mother's feelings! And when I say that to them, they act like, so what? It isn't a big deal and that's life, tough. Well, what about common human decency? And if they don't have the staff to call all the elderly clients who they have made scheduling changes for, then find some volunteers to do it! Or at least be sorry about not being able to call! But they, like so many others who work in service for the elderly, care more about their paycheck than they do about the elderly people they are supposed to be working for!
And it isn't only the people of my generation (and older) working for the elderly who have this lack of compassion.....it is many of the younger people of today too! So often I hear a lack of patience or kindness shown towards the elderly...teenagers who think that all old people do is complain and bring them down. But these teenagers are usually the children of people who don't care and have no compassion to teach their children so this cycle continues!
I have heard from so many people, of all generations, that they don't think the elderly deserve any special treatment. That they shouldn't be excused for bad temperment or complaints or aches and pains...and these are usually the same people who show little support or sympathy for children getting any special treatment or "extras" in life either!
There are just too many unconcerned, uncompassionate, hollow people out there and I fear it is getting worse, not better. But I am thankful to have a higher thought capacity to be able to give where it counts....to the children and to the elderly...and hopefully I can spread that goodness to enough people who's lives I touch, to make a difference.
Whoever reads this....please be good to your children and your elderly. Please give in compassion, forgiveness and care....and above all, real love.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Homeschooling vs. Public School and those labels du jour...
When pondering over the decision surrounding my son’s future with our local school last Fall, we were fairly new to homeschooling and I stated then, that I felt homeschooling did not provide enough stimulation for him.
Oh how wrong I was….and how happy I am to have been so wrong!
I’m not a teacher…not by a long shot. But I am a devoted and loving mother, filled with endless patience…the patience that many teachers seem to lack these days.
I have found ample social activities for him outside of the home in art classes, swimming, horseback riding and he soon will be joining an astronomy program too. He interacts well with others (much better than when thrown in with the mixed bunch of rude children at the school!) and does not need or want many hours per day of outside socializing. He is far more content to be social within our home, where HOME is the number one mentor and guiding factor in his life. Home is the nucleus of a child’s life and through homeschooling he is developing a far greater appreciation for home and family. I believe child socialization is overrated in today’s world and the emphasis should be more on the home and family, whether homeschooling or not.
Parents are so busy working and getting their kids “socialized” in an array of daycares and sports teams and other activities, that their lives become overly busy and full with everything BUT the home and family these days! Most people I have met through the school systems have been two-parent working families, claiming they NEEDED to both work and there was no other way. Oh, please. See my blog rant on this from 2009...scroll back. It is not NEED, it is want. The WANT to be on par with the status quo and the WANT to make sure one parent does not have to do more or less than the other parent in the outside workforce. I have met so many mothers who lamented how their husbands would not be pleased or supportive if they didn’t get out there and back to work asap once the baby was at least a year old! These men have such a chip on their shoulders about having to do all the work, that they would rather browbeat their wives to get out there to work and make them feel guilty if they don’t! Staying home and raising children is the MOST important work there is! But very few people see it that way any longer.
One of my biggest problems with the school system in Canada is the need they have to LABEL children who don’t follow the status quo. Currently, the public school system in Canada is set up to enable parents to attach a label to their child for afflictions in any aspect of learning or social skills, thus allowing the school and classroom to be provided with a special helper for the child. Sure, this does give the child more one on one help, but at what cost to the child’s inner psyche? What message does that send to the child and their peers?
The “autism spectrum” has been so overused and made sooo popular these days that I would guess that at least one in three kids has been labelled autistic or had it suggested…and adult autism is being used to explain tons of issues in society too! This is not psychology…this is grasping at straws!
Many parents are eager to embrace labels because it provides them an “answer” to their confusion over their child being somehow “abnormal” and standing out from others in any way, shape or form. It has become a trend and a bandwagon.
For example, if a child has trouble pronouncing words and is behind with this skill, as laid out by the so-called “experts”, tons of parents now eagerly get their child into speech therapy and get help as quickly as possible, rather than just let it be. They don’t want to take their own time to constantly correct their child or spend the extra time needed going over words and sounds…not when a label means “professional help” and the problem gets to be recognized as medically “out of their control” and someone else can clean up the mess. To me, this is laziness at it’s finest. And also has an element of the parent wanting to “fit in” themselves…be part of the “diagnosis club”. Barf.
Parents justify themselves by stating they are doing right by their child by fixing the problem before it gets any worse, but how do they know it would even progress? Why make a mountain out of a molehill?
And how about the children who DARE to defy a teacher? The ones who don’t want to easily participate or fall in line? The ones who balk and sulk? I was one of those, ha ha. Boy, would I have been labelled back then if that system had been in place! Kids had better not do that too many times or look out, the label of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) will be awarded to them! Anything to explain behaviour that is non-status quo. Parents and schools alike are excited and happy to have these labels for the extra help it provides and the “whew” factor to explain and rationalize the non-conformist behaviour.
And let’s not forget the popular-in-the-90’s term of ADD (attention deficit disorder) which gets chucked at any kids who can’t seem to pay attention or don’t conform well to the learning system of a classroom!
People just seem to overlook the fact that every child is an individual and has a range of varied characteristics. Just because one type of child does not fit society’s status quo does not mean there is something wrong with them! Yet, it makes it easier for the parents and teachers so it is welcomed and nurtured instead of trying to nurture the children themselves.
I also realize how desperately underfunded the education system currently is. So why is the government not making education a higher priority? Why is it ok to accept these labels for our children and see that as normal when it is anything but normal! Yet like sheep, these parents follow along with this thinking and take all the labels suggested to them.
The government could pay teachers more instead of all the funding afforded to the TA’s and other such named special helpers. There is so much money being poured into the testing of kids, and the labelling, the special help and care, that the education system suffers.
Well, they can keep it. I tried it and I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want my children to have any part of it, I want better for them. I want them free to express themselves, free to ask questions, free from stereotypes, free from bullying (which far too many parents seem to think is ok to a degree so kids can learn how to sort out their own social problems and issues between them! Such BULL!), free from labels and free from intolerance.
My son is currently at the grade two level. I am not following any type of rigid learning plan or curriculum but I am definitely maintaining his learning. We work at HIS speed and HIS pace and if I have to sit and guide him through every single letter on a page of ten sentences and if it takes many hours to complete, filled with bribes, promises and constant encouragement, then I see it through, however long it takes. The only way to have a child attended that closely and thoroughly in public schools is to have that assessment and slap on that label. Teachers will only truly teach those who follow the status quo. Anyone who stands out, for any reason, and needs that extra help, is NOT the problem of the teacher. I guess they figure they aren’t paid enough for that. And maybe they should be. Maybe the current election should address that and confront these issues head on.
Until that day comes though and the system either changes or we move to another country and find a school that works for us, we are thriving and happy homeschoolers.
Oh how wrong I was….and how happy I am to have been so wrong!
I’m not a teacher…not by a long shot. But I am a devoted and loving mother, filled with endless patience…the patience that many teachers seem to lack these days.
I have found ample social activities for him outside of the home in art classes, swimming, horseback riding and he soon will be joining an astronomy program too. He interacts well with others (much better than when thrown in with the mixed bunch of rude children at the school!) and does not need or want many hours per day of outside socializing. He is far more content to be social within our home, where HOME is the number one mentor and guiding factor in his life. Home is the nucleus of a child’s life and through homeschooling he is developing a far greater appreciation for home and family. I believe child socialization is overrated in today’s world and the emphasis should be more on the home and family, whether homeschooling or not.
Parents are so busy working and getting their kids “socialized” in an array of daycares and sports teams and other activities, that their lives become overly busy and full with everything BUT the home and family these days! Most people I have met through the school systems have been two-parent working families, claiming they NEEDED to both work and there was no other way. Oh, please. See my blog rant on this from 2009...scroll back. It is not NEED, it is want. The WANT to be on par with the status quo and the WANT to make sure one parent does not have to do more or less than the other parent in the outside workforce. I have met so many mothers who lamented how their husbands would not be pleased or supportive if they didn’t get out there and back to work asap once the baby was at least a year old! These men have such a chip on their shoulders about having to do all the work, that they would rather browbeat their wives to get out there to work and make them feel guilty if they don’t! Staying home and raising children is the MOST important work there is! But very few people see it that way any longer.
One of my biggest problems with the school system in Canada is the need they have to LABEL children who don’t follow the status quo. Currently, the public school system in Canada is set up to enable parents to attach a label to their child for afflictions in any aspect of learning or social skills, thus allowing the school and classroom to be provided with a special helper for the child. Sure, this does give the child more one on one help, but at what cost to the child’s inner psyche? What message does that send to the child and their peers?
The “autism spectrum” has been so overused and made sooo popular these days that I would guess that at least one in three kids has been labelled autistic or had it suggested…and adult autism is being used to explain tons of issues in society too! This is not psychology…this is grasping at straws!
Many parents are eager to embrace labels because it provides them an “answer” to their confusion over their child being somehow “abnormal” and standing out from others in any way, shape or form. It has become a trend and a bandwagon.
For example, if a child has trouble pronouncing words and is behind with this skill, as laid out by the so-called “experts”, tons of parents now eagerly get their child into speech therapy and get help as quickly as possible, rather than just let it be. They don’t want to take their own time to constantly correct their child or spend the extra time needed going over words and sounds…not when a label means “professional help” and the problem gets to be recognized as medically “out of their control” and someone else can clean up the mess. To me, this is laziness at it’s finest. And also has an element of the parent wanting to “fit in” themselves…be part of the “diagnosis club”. Barf.
Parents justify themselves by stating they are doing right by their child by fixing the problem before it gets any worse, but how do they know it would even progress? Why make a mountain out of a molehill?
And how about the children who DARE to defy a teacher? The ones who don’t want to easily participate or fall in line? The ones who balk and sulk? I was one of those, ha ha. Boy, would I have been labelled back then if that system had been in place! Kids had better not do that too many times or look out, the label of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) will be awarded to them! Anything to explain behaviour that is non-status quo. Parents and schools alike are excited and happy to have these labels for the extra help it provides and the “whew” factor to explain and rationalize the non-conformist behaviour.
And let’s not forget the popular-in-the-90’s term of ADD (attention deficit disorder) which gets chucked at any kids who can’t seem to pay attention or don’t conform well to the learning system of a classroom!
People just seem to overlook the fact that every child is an individual and has a range of varied characteristics. Just because one type of child does not fit society’s status quo does not mean there is something wrong with them! Yet, it makes it easier for the parents and teachers so it is welcomed and nurtured instead of trying to nurture the children themselves.
I also realize how desperately underfunded the education system currently is. So why is the government not making education a higher priority? Why is it ok to accept these labels for our children and see that as normal when it is anything but normal! Yet like sheep, these parents follow along with this thinking and take all the labels suggested to them.
The government could pay teachers more instead of all the funding afforded to the TA’s and other such named special helpers. There is so much money being poured into the testing of kids, and the labelling, the special help and care, that the education system suffers.
Well, they can keep it. I tried it and I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want my children to have any part of it, I want better for them. I want them free to express themselves, free to ask questions, free from stereotypes, free from bullying (which far too many parents seem to think is ok to a degree so kids can learn how to sort out their own social problems and issues between them! Such BULL!), free from labels and free from intolerance.
My son is currently at the grade two level. I am not following any type of rigid learning plan or curriculum but I am definitely maintaining his learning. We work at HIS speed and HIS pace and if I have to sit and guide him through every single letter on a page of ten sentences and if it takes many hours to complete, filled with bribes, promises and constant encouragement, then I see it through, however long it takes. The only way to have a child attended that closely and thoroughly in public schools is to have that assessment and slap on that label. Teachers will only truly teach those who follow the status quo. Anyone who stands out, for any reason, and needs that extra help, is NOT the problem of the teacher. I guess they figure they aren’t paid enough for that. And maybe they should be. Maybe the current election should address that and confront these issues head on.
Until that day comes though and the system either changes or we move to another country and find a school that works for us, we are thriving and happy homeschoolers.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Blame Game
Most blame is a waste of time and energy. Blaming others does not bring forth any happiness within yourself, however, there are times when blame is simply a result of the circumstance. When the action that caused the blame happened simply as a bare fact, the best thing you can do is recognize it, accept it, be proud to not shoulder any self-blame IF there was no reason to do so, and then do not dwell on the situation any longer. It is what it is and moving forward in happiness is the best thing you can do.
If someone ran over to you and punched you in the face, it would be that person who took the negative action against you and the blame to them would be from that circumstance. But it is what you do with that blame that really is important.
It is important to look deeply within to see if you did contribute to the issue at hand before completely finding fault or laying blame on another. Just being a part of the relationship is a self contributory fact alone. But if there were actions of anger, negativity or hostility given out in the relationship and you were on the receiving end of it, it is best to just walk away and try to feel sorry for the one who felt such a need to cause that much pain to you, or to whoever they hurt. Lending empathy and being sympathetic to the person who has the need within themselves to mock, belittle, tease, hurt or betray you, is far better than blaming them for the actions or behaviours they took against you.
Some people believe the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. I think in some cases that is true yes, especially if you hold onto the blame and have inner unhappiness needing to be dealt with. But if the only thing causing you unhappiness was the person you are blaming for wrongful actions against you, then perhaps once that person is eliminated from your life, all traces of unhappiness will vanish. After all, if they were so toxic to your life in the first place, perhaps the blame is somewhat justifiable for how they treated you: Blame to yourself for staying in a relationship with someone who sucked away all of your positive spirit. And blame to them for having such a cruel and cold heart.
But rather than hang onto any of that blame, instead try to find a reason to smile when you wear clothing they gifted you with, or when you write in that special notebook they gave you. Think of them fondly when a song comes on that brings them to mind. Send them loving and positive thoughts always, no matter what they did to you or how heartbreaking.
You cannot change what they did or how their actions affected you. You can however, change how you choose to deal with it.
As Liam Gallagher said, “Don’t look back in anger.”
Don’t hold onto blame. Because it is what it is. They did what they did and once it is over, it is done. Your lives are free from each other and only the memories remain. Let the memories be free from blame and filled only with the happiness of what was good about the time your lives once were entwined.
If someone ran over to you and punched you in the face, it would be that person who took the negative action against you and the blame to them would be from that circumstance. But it is what you do with that blame that really is important.
It is important to look deeply within to see if you did contribute to the issue at hand before completely finding fault or laying blame on another. Just being a part of the relationship is a self contributory fact alone. But if there were actions of anger, negativity or hostility given out in the relationship and you were on the receiving end of it, it is best to just walk away and try to feel sorry for the one who felt such a need to cause that much pain to you, or to whoever they hurt. Lending empathy and being sympathetic to the person who has the need within themselves to mock, belittle, tease, hurt or betray you, is far better than blaming them for the actions or behaviours they took against you.
Some people believe the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. I think in some cases that is true yes, especially if you hold onto the blame and have inner unhappiness needing to be dealt with. But if the only thing causing you unhappiness was the person you are blaming for wrongful actions against you, then perhaps once that person is eliminated from your life, all traces of unhappiness will vanish. After all, if they were so toxic to your life in the first place, perhaps the blame is somewhat justifiable for how they treated you: Blame to yourself for staying in a relationship with someone who sucked away all of your positive spirit. And blame to them for having such a cruel and cold heart.
But rather than hang onto any of that blame, instead try to find a reason to smile when you wear clothing they gifted you with, or when you write in that special notebook they gave you. Think of them fondly when a song comes on that brings them to mind. Send them loving and positive thoughts always, no matter what they did to you or how heartbreaking.
You cannot change what they did or how their actions affected you. You can however, change how you choose to deal with it.
As Liam Gallagher said, “Don’t look back in anger.”
Don’t hold onto blame. Because it is what it is. They did what they did and once it is over, it is done. Your lives are free from each other and only the memories remain. Let the memories be free from blame and filled only with the happiness of what was good about the time your lives once were entwined.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Mean People vs. Nice People
This is another blog from my former myspace blog, dated 9 Aug 2007. It has great relevance in my life right now so I thought I would repost it to try to help me deal with some recent pain I have been through from someone dear to my heart who I never, ever would have believed would step from the nice side over to the mean side. Or maybe I subconsciously did always know it but did not want to face it.
There are two types of people in this world: Nice people and Mean people. It is as simple as that....absolutely black and white.
Nice people care about the feelings of others, show compassion and share honest emotions.
Mean people are spiteful, uncompassionate and generally lack a deep conscience.
These two types of people meet all the time. In families....in work...in school...you will find these two basic types of people everywhere. These characteristics do not have any race, colour or creed. They are within everyone. You are either nice or you are mean. And when faced with each other, conflict and strife generally occur.
Now, can the mean person become nice? Or can the nice person become mean? Sometimes, yes. Certain aspects of either personality can manifest in anyone. A mean person can pretend to be nice. A nice person can behave in a mean way. But at the core, the result is still the same....you are either nice, or you are mean.
When a mean person behaves nicely, it is usually an act. It is what they want others to perceive them as or it is what they want to be but cannot truly achieve so they pretend. But when a nice person behaves in a mean way, they generally struggle with their conscience and feel badly for their behaviour, and learn from it and strive to change it.
If a mean person does change and completely stops the inner meanness, then they probably were never truly a mean person to begin with.
There is hope for everyone of course, but I have come to accept that those who are mean tend to stay that way and they are being who they are: Mean.
But I love watching the success stories unfold and seeing the nice people who behave in a mean way, all of a sudden have a lightbulb moment and begin to alter the mean behaviours and become the nice person they were born to be.
A nice person is who I was born to be and for that I am grateful.
There are two types of people in this world: Nice people and Mean people. It is as simple as that....absolutely black and white.
Nice people care about the feelings of others, show compassion and share honest emotions.
Mean people are spiteful, uncompassionate and generally lack a deep conscience.
These two types of people meet all the time. In families....in work...in school...you will find these two basic types of people everywhere. These characteristics do not have any race, colour or creed. They are within everyone. You are either nice or you are mean. And when faced with each other, conflict and strife generally occur.
Now, can the mean person become nice? Or can the nice person become mean? Sometimes, yes. Certain aspects of either personality can manifest in anyone. A mean person can pretend to be nice. A nice person can behave in a mean way. But at the core, the result is still the same....you are either nice, or you are mean.
When a mean person behaves nicely, it is usually an act. It is what they want others to perceive them as or it is what they want to be but cannot truly achieve so they pretend. But when a nice person behaves in a mean way, they generally struggle with their conscience and feel badly for their behaviour, and learn from it and strive to change it.
If a mean person does change and completely stops the inner meanness, then they probably were never truly a mean person to begin with.
There is hope for everyone of course, but I have come to accept that those who are mean tend to stay that way and they are being who they are: Mean.
But I love watching the success stories unfold and seeing the nice people who behave in a mean way, all of a sudden have a lightbulb moment and begin to alter the mean behaviours and become the nice person they were born to be.
A nice person is who I was born to be and for that I am grateful.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Metal Queen
For my return to blogging, I have decided to revamp a few of my older blog postings which came from my original blog over at myspace. I recently shut down my myspace account but saved all the blogs, as that was my main purpose of even having it. It pre-dated facebook and was the original way to reconnect with old friends and extended family.
However, this year I decided to cut way back on social media. Using social networks for business purposes is one thing, but too many old friends, acquaintance connections and some disgruntled family members just did not really have a place in the viewing of my life. I narrowed it down to the people I really want in my life and gave others the option to contact me through postal mail, if they so desired. So far I haven’t had any letters! So I feel I have made the right choices.
Many of these deleted connections laughed at me or made fun of me and my metal queen alter-ego. It is their right to laugh all they want, but I sure don’t want anyone who mocks me or finds any of my personal passions to be laughable in a not-so-nice way, to have any connection with me on a social networking level.
But for those who do, and those who are curious, here is one of my blogs I posted on myspace back in 2007, explaining all about how I got the name of Metal Queen…
25 Jan 2007
How I got the name Metal Queen....
Many people ask me.....how did I get the Metal Queen handle?
Well, it is an interesting story which I shall share...
Many moons ago, I was the lead singer in an assortment of hard rock/metal bands in the town where I grew up, Moncton, N.B. After leaving Moncton at age 21, I also sang in bands in Toronto for a brief time before moving permanently to the west coast.
In my bands I rocked out, singing Maiden, Priest, Metallica, Skid Row, Poison, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard....basically if they had hair and great vocals/melody lines, I loved covering it! :)
I would have loved to sing some more female driven music but in the 80's and early
90's, the whole rock/metal world was a boys club and I was lucky to even find a place in it at all. I did manage to get a Tiffany song onto our set list with my band Savage, ha ha....thank you Steve for rocking the Tiffany for me! :)
THE Metal Queen of course is Canada's own, Lee Aaron, and I have been fortunate to see her own the stage live, back in 1992 in Vancouver. I have never had the chance to cover any of her stuff but I sure would love to, as she has an amazing voice and truly is the Metal Queen and I am honoured to be able to borrow her name.
When I was older and in the working world in Vancouver in the mid-90's, I got connected to a very cool dude named Nardwuar, thanks to my good friend Mark Gaudet in Moncton (of Eric's Trip and other notable Moncton bands). At the time, Nardwuar and I happened to work in the same building at UBC...he was in the radio station on the top floor and I was in the basement, scratching out a living as a travel agent.
Upon my first meeting with Nardwuar, he enjoyed hearing some of my more colourful metal stories of bands I had met and the music that I loved, and from then on he christened me Metal Queen, and the name stuck .
He went on to interview me on his radio show, which for me, laid out the beginning ideas and background for my book of Moncton metal memoirs which I have been working on for over 15 years now. It was fun to talk about all the hair-bands and metal bands I had met and sang covers of, as well as many of the adventures I'd had within that whole crazy scene.
I did some work with Nardwuar and interviewed with him, many of these metal bands of yesteryear, which was a lot of fun and eventually some of these interviews were covered in Chart Magazine.
So that is how I gained the title of Metal Queen....I feel more like Metal Mum or Laundry Queen these days but thanks to Nardwuar, the name always makes me feel eternally connected with my notorious past, which one day hopefully will be in print for others to enjoy...or cringe at! :)
Rock on!
Metal Queen
Link to my 2010 interview with Nardwuar, catching up on all things Metal Queen:
http://playlist.citr.ca/podcasting/audio/20101210-153601-to-20101210-170314.mp3
However, this year I decided to cut way back on social media. Using social networks for business purposes is one thing, but too many old friends, acquaintance connections and some disgruntled family members just did not really have a place in the viewing of my life. I narrowed it down to the people I really want in my life and gave others the option to contact me through postal mail, if they so desired. So far I haven’t had any letters! So I feel I have made the right choices.
Many of these deleted connections laughed at me or made fun of me and my metal queen alter-ego. It is their right to laugh all they want, but I sure don’t want anyone who mocks me or finds any of my personal passions to be laughable in a not-so-nice way, to have any connection with me on a social networking level.
But for those who do, and those who are curious, here is one of my blogs I posted on myspace back in 2007, explaining all about how I got the name of Metal Queen…
25 Jan 2007
How I got the name Metal Queen....
Many people ask me.....how did I get the Metal Queen handle?
Well, it is an interesting story which I shall share...
Many moons ago, I was the lead singer in an assortment of hard rock/metal bands in the town where I grew up, Moncton, N.B. After leaving Moncton at age 21, I also sang in bands in Toronto for a brief time before moving permanently to the west coast.
In my bands I rocked out, singing Maiden, Priest, Metallica, Skid Row, Poison, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard....basically if they had hair and great vocals/melody lines, I loved covering it! :)
I would have loved to sing some more female driven music but in the 80's and early
90's, the whole rock/metal world was a boys club and I was lucky to even find a place in it at all. I did manage to get a Tiffany song onto our set list with my band Savage, ha ha....thank you Steve for rocking the Tiffany for me! :)
THE Metal Queen of course is Canada's own, Lee Aaron, and I have been fortunate to see her own the stage live, back in 1992 in Vancouver. I have never had the chance to cover any of her stuff but I sure would love to, as she has an amazing voice and truly is the Metal Queen and I am honoured to be able to borrow her name.
When I was older and in the working world in Vancouver in the mid-90's, I got connected to a very cool dude named Nardwuar, thanks to my good friend Mark Gaudet in Moncton (of Eric's Trip and other notable Moncton bands). At the time, Nardwuar and I happened to work in the same building at UBC...he was in the radio station on the top floor and I was in the basement, scratching out a living as a travel agent.
Upon my first meeting with Nardwuar, he enjoyed hearing some of my more colourful metal stories of bands I had met and the music that I loved, and from then on he christened me Metal Queen, and the name stuck .
He went on to interview me on his radio show, which for me, laid out the beginning ideas and background for my book of Moncton metal memoirs which I have been working on for over 15 years now. It was fun to talk about all the hair-bands and metal bands I had met and sang covers of, as well as many of the adventures I'd had within that whole crazy scene.
I did some work with Nardwuar and interviewed with him, many of these metal bands of yesteryear, which was a lot of fun and eventually some of these interviews were covered in Chart Magazine.
So that is how I gained the title of Metal Queen....I feel more like Metal Mum or Laundry Queen these days but thanks to Nardwuar, the name always makes me feel eternally connected with my notorious past, which one day hopefully will be in print for others to enjoy...or cringe at! :)
Rock on!
Metal Queen
Link to my 2010 interview with Nardwuar, catching up on all things Metal Queen:
http://playlist.citr.ca/podcasting/audio/20101210-153601-to-20101210-170314.mp3
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Back To Blogging
I honestly do not have time to blog. Blogging time should probably be time spent working as much as possible. Either on housework, parenting, cooking or my writing and website business. But every now and then I want a little break and I don’t really want to think much. I don’t always feel like picking up my pen and journaling. I want to be at the computer so I can listen to music without waking the baby, and do a little surfing for entertainment value. So in that respect, blogging is a good exercise for my brain while having some down time.
I took a blog break for awhile but the time feels right to return to a sharing of my thoughts and feelings with the world. My hope is to attract only positive people with positive thoughts towards me and my words. I know that won’t be the reality of course, but I feel ready again to try and put myself out there. I have some strong and firm opinions and a deeply compassionate heart, which I don’t want to be afraid to share.
I hated having to moderate comments but I also don’t want a lot of battling on my blog either. Debate is good...thoughtful differences of opinion are fabulous. But belittling, cruel judgements, taunting or being sarcastic just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I guess it is part of blogging...taking the good with the bad. I have browsed quite a few other blogs over the past few months and I see that many other people who blog also have to endure the “haters” if they choose to be public bloggers.
For a long time I believed I was a full on extrovert and was welcoming and eager for all attention, negative or positive. But I have come to discover that I am actually far more introverted and filled with so much emotional energy that I don’t withstand hatred or negativity too well.
The fact that I am adjusting to life as a single mum and proceeding with a heart-wrenching divorce, likely adds to my emotions too. It is a journey though and I love a good journey filled with adventure.
But if I am to put myself out there as a writer and embrace this next phase of my life and my creative career, I have to thicken the skin that is far thinner than I ever realized.
So it’s time to put on my leather jacket, dust off my backpack, lace up my hiking boots and tease up my hair…I am ready world. Metal Queen is ready to crank the tunes, plan some car-free trips, share some life opinions, and most of all, kick some ass. :)
I took a blog break for awhile but the time feels right to return to a sharing of my thoughts and feelings with the world. My hope is to attract only positive people with positive thoughts towards me and my words. I know that won’t be the reality of course, but I feel ready again to try and put myself out there. I have some strong and firm opinions and a deeply compassionate heart, which I don’t want to be afraid to share.
I hated having to moderate comments but I also don’t want a lot of battling on my blog either. Debate is good...thoughtful differences of opinion are fabulous. But belittling, cruel judgements, taunting or being sarcastic just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I guess it is part of blogging...taking the good with the bad. I have browsed quite a few other blogs over the past few months and I see that many other people who blog also have to endure the “haters” if they choose to be public bloggers.
For a long time I believed I was a full on extrovert and was welcoming and eager for all attention, negative or positive. But I have come to discover that I am actually far more introverted and filled with so much emotional energy that I don’t withstand hatred or negativity too well.
The fact that I am adjusting to life as a single mum and proceeding with a heart-wrenching divorce, likely adds to my emotions too. It is a journey though and I love a good journey filled with adventure.
But if I am to put myself out there as a writer and embrace this next phase of my life and my creative career, I have to thicken the skin that is far thinner than I ever realized.
So it’s time to put on my leather jacket, dust off my backpack, lace up my hiking boots and tease up my hair…I am ready world. Metal Queen is ready to crank the tunes, plan some car-free trips, share some life opinions, and most of all, kick some ass. :)
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