A few years ago, thanks to the marvelous social media invention called Facebook, I was able to reconnect with an old junior high school boyfriend, whom I had not spoken to for over twenty years. We picked up where we left off so many years ago with ease, and quickly developed a strong adult friendship, enjoying lengthy and meaningful phone conversations every few weeks or more.
He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.
But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.
I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.
I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.
I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J
One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?
We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.
Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.
Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”
I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?
But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?
Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?
I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!
I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.
A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.
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