Letting Go

41 has been a difficult yet enlightening year of my life. In another month and a half I will be 42 and hopefully that is the start of the new phase of my life that 41has clearly set the stage for.

In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.

It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)

One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.

After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.

Her exact words:

“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”

Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.

I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.

My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.

People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry

I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.

Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".

But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.

If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.

For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?

Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?

Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?

Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?

If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.

Peace.