My seven year old son is prone to anger episodes. Thankfully they are occurring less and less since we eliminated the angry “problem” from our lives two years ago now - Daddy. But the residual damage is still there and it is a work in progress dealing with it and helping him overcome it.
I blame myself for staying with my ex-husband as long as I did. But my heart yearned for the fairy-tale with him, the fairy-tale which sadly could never be. I worked so hard to help him see all the good in life and to embrace the positive. But he could never find it, not even in the smiles from our children.
So it is what it is and I try to focus on all the good that came from our union and the awareness that my intentions were pure and my focus was to have a happy family. I hung on as long as I possibly could. But I had to admit defeat once my firstborn son began showing clear signs of imitating his father’s angry behaviour. That was when I knew my fairy tale would have a different ending. This Metal Queen had to leave her Punk King to be swallowed whole by his angry dragons, to ensure the young princes and princess were free from that same fate. My son would have followed his father straight into the belly of the dragon, no question. He loves his Daddy so fiercely and deeply, but with his presence a mere memory now, we are free to embrace positivity, happiness and dance in the rain.
Every so often though, a dark thundercloud settles over my son’s head and he becomes his father’s young prodigy in anger once again. His body language and his words eerily echo his fathers and I am taken back in time. I could not help my ex-husband. But I sure as hell am determined to help my son.
My ex-sister-in-law even had the ignorance to say to me, “How can you blame my brother for any of the anger and bad behaviour in your kids since he has barely seen them in the past couple of years!” I think that misguided statement speaks for itself. She has her own anger issues though so of course she would be unable to understand the complexity and depth of child psychology.
Many of the people I cast out of my life this past year are afflicted with the same anger my ex-husband carried around. My son came up with the ideal term for classifying this condition in people: Angeritis. He can now see this problem in people so clearly and often will ask me, after a bus driver or another parent has been unjustly rude to us, “Do they have the angeritis?” For him to recognize this issue at such a young age will only serve to help him overcome his own struggles with angeritis.
One of the exercises I use to help my son dispel his bouts of angeritis is a little game called, “come on, get happy!” As soon as I see those dark thunderclouds rolling in and blotting out his smile, I initiate the game. The “angry” person has to stop, take a deep breath, and then list off five things that they are grateful for and happy about. When someone is consumed with anger, this is a really hard task to complete. But I have been blessed with endless patience when it comes to my children, and I just wait him out, however long it takes. Life cannot resume until the game has been played, even if it takes hours to get started. Well, thankfully, it has never taken hours…I think the longest start-up time for my son was about 20 minutes.
As the grumbly grateful list gets started, it usually contains obvious things…like being grateful the sun is shining, or happy about not being sick. As the theme progresses and more “happy” points are brought forward, it never fails to have the anger dissipate and fall away. Slowly but surely, we turn that frown upside down and it simply becomes impossible to stay in that anger zone once the game is well underway.
When you are thinking about everything in your life that you are happy about and grateful for, it truly does make a difference to your mood. It sure does for my little boy…and for that, I am happy and grateful, each and every day.
one day where we will live
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
From Boys To Men
A few years ago, thanks to the marvelous social media invention called Facebook, I was able to reconnect with an old junior high school boyfriend, whom I had not spoken to for over twenty years. We picked up where we left off so many years ago with ease, and quickly developed a strong adult friendship, enjoying lengthy and meaningful phone conversations every few weeks or more.
He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.
But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.
I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.
I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.
I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J
One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?
We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.
Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.
Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”
I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?
But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?
Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?
I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!
I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.
A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.
He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.
But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.
I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.
I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.
I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J
One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?
We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.
Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.
Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”
I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?
But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?
Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?
I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!
I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.
A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Letting Go
41 has been a difficult yet enlightening year of my life. In another month and a half I will be 42 and hopefully that is the start of the new phase of my life that 41has clearly set the stage for.
In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.
It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)
One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.
After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.
Her exact words:
“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”
Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.
I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.
My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.
People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry
I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.
Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".
But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.
If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.
For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?
Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?
Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?
Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?
If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.
Peace.
In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.
It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)
One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.
After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.
Her exact words:
“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”
Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.
I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.
My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.
People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry
I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.
Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".
But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.
If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.
For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?
Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?
Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?
Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?
If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.
Peace.
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