I Kind Of Always Knew You’d End Up My Ex-Best Friends.

Oh, Gwen. You really nailed it with that song. Boyfriend or Girlfriend…Family member or Best Friend…pretty similarly emotionally charged details when you come right down to it.

This year I walked away from my two best friends. Or they walked away from me. Whichever. It all gets lost in the details really. But for those relationships, the bell had finally tolled.

As an eternal optimist, I will always hold a little hope that they change their minds or have a light-bulb moment of understanding and realize how valuable I was to them. Or maybe clue in to how much value they were to me. But I can’t dwell on that optimism. The chances are slim I think.

As our relationships wound to a close, one of my ex-best friends turned some of my own words that I had said to her, back onto myself: it must be something inside of you.

This made it painfully clear to me how sad it was in how little she really knew me or “got” me because I already had dug deep with that very question. It was my own self analysis of that exact thought that has made me the woman of integrity I am today. And I had discussed the depth of my feelings on this subject with her countless times. Maybe she heard but she did not listen. Maybe she never really wanted to.

It is hard for those who have known you your entire life (or for a major portion of it) to grasp though. It is hard for them to see beyond the person they once knew…the person you used to be…and the person they refuse to see in any other way precisely because of that negative, skewed, preconceived notion which truly is the problem inside of themselves.

That inner stuff that makes me so concerned about what friends and family think of me or feel about me is exactly what I have come to be able to address and feel unafraid to approach people about. Confrontation is not a fun thing. But sometimes it is a necessary thing in order to see who to keep in your inner circle in life and who is not conducive to your own happiness.

People will generally show their true colours eventually. The key is being wise enough to see them. Paying attention to how they treat you with their words, behaviours or gestures. Asking yourself if you would behave in the same way or considering if you once would have but feel ashamed for those actions now. Questioning anything that does not seem right…if it quacks like a duck, it probably IS a duck. But sometimes we still want to think it is a chicken. To actually see that quacker for what it is means dealing with the loud quacking and disruptiveness that may come from hanging out with a duck. Just look at Joey and Chandler!

I do like ducks though. One day I hope we own some and can be a family for them and have a little hobby farm. J But metaphorically speaking, as I watch, listen and learn human behaviour better and better, I can now see the ducks far clearer from the chickens.

No, there is nothing inside of me that has not already been self analyzed to death, worked on, studied and altered. She was wrong to use my own words back at me because it was not about me. She was merely deflecting from addressing the issue herself. She was doing what my ex-husband was amazingly good at: avoidance and blame and finger pointing. Anything to say, “it’s not my fault, it’s ”YOURS!” Instead of HEARING what was being said, what the discrepancy was and what the deeper meaning may be about.

She, who once claimed to be a queen of debate could not even debate with herself. When push came to shove, she had no control over words, she reverted to playground bully. And did loads of shoving. I think down deep it is where she always wanted to be with me…back to childhood, and back where she could exact revenge on me for all the things she actually never forgave me for.

The other ex-best friend and I rarely shared a cross word or had heated debates. I felt she was my rock and I was hers, through good times and bad. But like in marriages, even friendships sometimes cannot withstand or weather the storms of change. I had been holding onto issues about her feelings towards me in various respects that worried me, concerned me. These were things I truly wanted to question and bring to light, but I was afraid. I was scared if I “rocked the boat” and made any waves with her, she would leave me to drown and not throw me a life preserver. I was absolutely correct. I brought these issues to light and expressed how upset I was, laying bare my feelings, and just as predicted, she used it as her opportunity to slam the door in my face. It hurt but once again, I knew it was not me. This was something inside of her.

When faced with great pain or betrayal we sometimes act and behave in pathetic ways with emotionally charged diatribe, lashing out with feelings that are almost too much to bear. Shania knows. On Oprah she let it be known she too was guilty of sending pathetic letters from her emotionally destroyed heart. And when the recipients of those pathetic words reject, belittle or maintain a closed and cold heart to the depth of feeling being hurled at them, then the sad ending is simply meant to be just that: a sad ending. For when the love is not returned, it can only be an ending. And a lesson to take with you to the next chapter of your life.

The point is, if someone tells you that you hurt them or if they have questions about issues or problems within the relationship, and they take the time to explain how, and why they feel that way, along with a desire to understand and work it out, try and show some kindness and compassion to their feelings. Try to actually “address” all the discrepancies and issues they bring up instead of using deflection and finger pointing. Even if the things they want to address with you hurt you or make you angry, why add insult to injury and make it worse? Why not just ask yourself all the tough questions they are asking you and try and answer them free of anger?

Because if you can’t, then they were right to have all those questions and be feeling that way all along. Right?

Right.