Crossroads

Crossroads. Whenever I hear that name I think of the movie. No, not the Britney Spears one. Go back. Further. This movie is the 1980's Crossroads where a young, hot Ralph Macchio played a blues guitarist on a journey. Due to axe-wizard/David Lee Roth discovery Steve Vai playing the devil's advocate in the movie, all the guitar heroes I hung out with, jammed with (or slept with!) on the Moncton music scene, made it almost a personal rite-of-passage to have seen this movie. Which is how I had the pleasure of getting to see that great, underrated film.

But the crossroads I stand at today is real and not a movie. Real life. Which is far more dramatic and has more devils and their advocates than any movie.
I have to make a decision about my children, for my children regarding their future with the local school.

A few months ago, I made a mistake at my son's school, the local school, a ten minute walk from home. I got too involved, I said too much, I revealed too much of myself to far too many too close to home. I have done this before. And I react the same way everytime. I coccoon. I rarely go out, I dream of the future and travelling, I isolate myself for a bit. During my coccoon process I like to think long and hard about what lessons I have learned to get to this place and how I can prevent it from happening again. Looking at past crossroads is a great help to remind me of which path to take and what happens when you don't choose wisely...

1.Redneck Hell - I got out but barely. That was a bad, bad place. I learned I have family I now know I never want to know beyond a friendly Xmas card, ever, ever again. I learned a valuable lesson from Redneck Hell but it was a roller coaster ride which ended with a crossroads. Which took us to...

2. England - I had the right vision but not enough of the means! To be fair, I was pregnant so my brain was not functioning to the best of my ability. But I did not arrange that properly for my 80+ year old mum and her needs and I will never make THAT mistake again. And I think I clearly have maintained her needs much, much better after that mistake for which I am proud of myself. Anyway, returning from England to Redneck Hell was insanely hard. That was walking right back into the hornets nest I had left behind and thankfully I was able to gather my wits about me and be strong enough to get us out of there as fast as possible!!

But that sure does tell me something. My son going back to the school I removed him from is a good idea in theory. But in reality, returning to a place of toxicity does not make good sense. It would be poor judgement and I need to not take that fork in my current personal crossroads.

In hindsight, I simply should have gone further afield and tried harder to find the right accommodation before giving into mum's fears and returning to Redneck Hell. That was the wrong choice. Steve Vai would have won that round!
It is so good to self-analyze and be sure of yourself and what your inner voice already is telling you. I think the key is to LISTEN to that inner voice a little more.

The next crossroads came after getting away as fast as possible from Redneck Hell (7 months pregnant, time running out!!) and arriving in..
3. Vancouver Island - it is so pretty there. The motorcycle mechanic job my ex husband started working at sounded promising. The house we found to rent was cute and had a granny cottage for my mum and she joined us not long after we arrived due to the continued strife she faces when she stays with my sister.

This is where my crossroads starts going a bit more personal and for now I will simply say the next series of moves/crossroads in life all had to do with a main member of our family, DADDY, and my lifelong battle with the mistress I cannot compete against no matter how many fancy organic products I use on my skin, no matter how much of a positive outlook I have and no matter how great a childhood I strive to give these children, I am simply no competition for his mistress of over 20years, Ms. Mary Jane. I totally know how Princess Diana must have felt over Camilla. :)

But now I face a new crossroads...one for my children this time because we are already in the AD zone (After Daddy).

So at the end of September this year, I removed my son from school here. As I said earlier I became too involved, revealed too much of myself and my personal politics, and just basically disturbed my personal chi too close to home. And it trickled down to my son and he was unable to settle in school. Or maybe his agitated feelings at the new school bounced onto me and caused my own friction-filled angst with all the parents, etc. For whatever reasons now, and following all that transpired during the end times for us and our association with our local school, I firmly believe that both myself and my son will remain unaccepted in that environment if we returned. I believe I could possibly push through the hostility though. If I conformed and got my son assessed (as so many wanted instead of seeing him for the bright, creative, imaginative spark he is!) and fell in line with the school politics and didn't say a peep or ruffle any feathers, then perhaps we could overcome all the damage done, and my son and his younger siblings could have a positive school life here. But what would that do to me? To my personal integrity and well-being? Is it possible for me to give my children a wonderful school experience elsewhere? Can I find my son the school niche that he has yet to find to fit into?

Homeschooling is not enough stimulation for him. But going back to our local school would be a decision of poor judgement unless I am prepared to conform and put my own feelings aside for potentially many, many years. Do I want to face criticism for every trip I take or every non status quo decision I make? Not really.
So this crossroads is clear to me.

Do not go near Steve Vai. Let him solo his heart out but do not go down the path that is paved with spandex. Look to the sun, the glittering gold shining brightly off the ocean's ripples...look to the warmth of a brighter tomorrow, a more challenging set of hurdles to bring the goals into focus. Because once the butterfly emerges from the coccoon, the brilliance and wonder of the difficult birth outshines all troubled tatters of the shell left behind.