Ranting and raving are two words that usually accompany “lunatic” more often than not. But I am using them today to describe what my blogs are all too frequently in the vein of. And most definitely today’s blog is a full on “rant”. But isn’t that almost the point of a blog? To express one’s feelings? To put those feelings out there to the world (albeit the cyber-world) and hope they resonate with the people who choose to read them?
I would much rather spew forth a ranting blog on the topics that irk me in life instead of expelling any of those raving sentiments to people directly. And I always feel so much guilt when I do direct my feelings at someone personally, so blogging is honestly the better way to do it. Along with journalling and other expressions of creativity.
But I like feeling as though maybe, just maybe, there are others out there who “get it” and understand where I am coming from. Because the people who I have been up close and personal with in life have often completely let me down. Which is why most of them are no longer in my life and for that I am filled with a lot more peace these days.
However, despite the removal of most non-positive individuals from my life, I continue to deal with these same types of people and face a great lack of kindness shown to me as a single mum where I reside, in this pretty little coastal, rural B.C. spot. These types of people are getting easier for me to recognize though, and even easier to cast aside and move my mind forward with happier thoughts.
Today was no exception. This morning was garbage day. I struggled up my very steep driveway with an overly full can, as usual. And also as usual, my robust male neighbour was working in the bordering driveway and did not drop what he was doing to help me in my struggles or to even OFFER to help me. People just don’t do that any more it seems and it dismays me so much. It is a lesson I constantly point out to my own children to try and get them to see how wrong it is to not rush and help someone who needs it, and I try and lead by example, helping others whenever possible.
I tried to dismiss my thoughts of this lack of neighbourly kindness but they resurfaced shortly when there was a knock at my door. A man stood there and introduced himself as a neighbour from across the road. I had never met him before. He proceeded to inform me that some crows had attacked my garbage and it was now all over the road, dirty diapers, etc, with the smell blowing into his yard.
I apologized and said I would deal with it once I got the baby to sleep, in a couple of hours. He looked annoyed at this, and said he did not like the smell, the mess was unsightly and all over the road, and the crows would only keep at it. I explained to him, while moving my 40lb two year old to my other hip (holding a struggling baby while having a conversation is difficult but holding him was the only option unless I wanted to try and converse while chasing him all over the front garden!) that I did not have anyone to help me. I was on my own, other than my nearly 88 year old mum, who at present was not too well and was resting. I could not just leave the baby in the house while I went off to clean up garbage and it simply would have to wait.
He did not know what to say to this so instead began berating me for not having a lid on my can and noted how he often saw my garbage piled over the top of the can. I told him with three children, my cans always overflow. He suggested I use a second can. I countered his suggestion with the reality of not being able to afford the city rates to pay for a second can, and in order to have a second can, one must go to the town offices to buy the forms and when I am in town with all three children, I do not exactly want to try and find those offices and add that to my (usually) huge list of other tasks and errands I already have to undertake on my own, on foot.
He sort of shrugged and reiterated again that it really does need to be dealt with so I smiled sweetly and asked what I felt was the obvious thought from the start, “Would it be possible for you to help me? I would truly appreciate the extra kindness shown to me from a neighbour who can understand my circumstances and perhaps extend that helping hand to me, a single mum who does not have ANY help at all. My other neighbour does not even come and help me when he sees me struggling up the driveway with the loaded garbage, so it would really restore my faith in neighbourly kindness if you would help me out…”
He started to mumble “…well, what will you do next week?” And then he shifted back and forth on his feet and added it was not really his responsibility.
I kept smiling and just kept letting him know how much I would appreciate his help since I had NONE. And how so few people in this community even attempt to help me. Sure, this community gives to oodles of charities worldwide, but what about the helping hand between neighbours? What has happened to that?
I soapboxed to him until he finally grew weary of listening to me cause him to have some guilty feelings (as he rightly should!) and he turned to go, stating he would get it cleaned up for me. This time. I thanked him immensely and honestly do appreciate the help…it just shouldn’t be so difficult to get it.
We will be baking cookies later and leaving them on his doorstep with a thank you card. And I can only hope that my gesture of gratitude will perhaps help him understand how important and how appreciated his help was.
I hope when my children grow up, they will have learned from this experience that rather than going and telling a neighbour what a bird has done to their garbage, choose instead to take the initiative of grabbing a garbage bag and cleaning up the mess…just to be a kind and nice neighbour.
one day where we will live
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When will attitudes change regarding the elderly?
Back in 2007 on my former blog spot over at myspace, I wrote a blog on my frustration surrounding the lack of compassion for the elderly. After a recent blow-out here with the public library, along with continued strife in the home support offices, (in my THIRD community of residence since 2007) the lack of kindness or compassion towards the elderly is on the rise all over it seems. It is still predominant during customer service phone calls from people all across Canada, but when I am faced with this cruel outlook towards the elderly on a local basis, it makes it far more up-close and personal, hitting home harder. It makes me wonder what the future holds for our “supposedly” most respected and revered citizens.
13 Feb 2007
The elderly and the lack of respect they get.....
As my mother's primary caregiver, I grow increasingly frustrated with the great lack of respect and compassion for the elderly. On Mum's behalf, I speak to many different organizations that represent services for the elderly; services that she receives from Veteran's Affairs, Home Support, etc, and so many of the people who work for these service organizations, just DO NOT care about the elderly that they represent! They are supposed to be working FOR the elderly, yet so many of them are rude and don't have a shred of compassion to offer when the need arises!
A lot (but not all) of the home support workers who come to bathe Mum and deal with her personal care are great....nice, caring individuals. However, all too often people in the offices that take care of scheduling, or invoicing, etc, are snippy and rude and clearly take great offense to many of the services these "old people" are getting! I get the feeling from them that they feel they are being deprived personally or out of pocket somehow from these old people getting so much....when in fact, the elderly should be catered to and cared for with golden glove service!! Especially the war vets who fought for our freedom, as Mum did!
Why is it such a problem to lay out the red carpet for the elderly? Don't they deserve it? Seriously, the elderly (and children) are the ones who should be given the most in this world from our governments and should also be given care and consideration from the rest of society!
Yet so few seem to really care. Can people not realize that we will ALL get old and need help and want compassion and consideration for our aches and pains and grouchy, elderly moods? And can people not remember what it is like to be a child and how great it is to be indulged a little in life? And if someone wasn't fortunate enough to be given love or compassion as a child, shouldn't that be even more of a reason to want to give that out to children now? Or to the elderly?
There are just so many angry, non-compassionate people out there who cannot give to those who deserve it most, who do not know how to give or clue in to what is most important in life....and it makes me so frustrated!
The scheduling department at Home Support never phone to say when Mum's regular worker is off sick and a replacement will be coming, and this is so stressful for her. All of a sudden a stranger appears to bathe her after she has formed a rapport with her regular worker....and when I phone and complain to scheduling, they just say well, we don't have time to call everyone, we are busy making schedules and we have over 300 clients to deal with! They give ME attitude instead of showing a little care and concern for my mother's feelings! And when I say that to them, they act like, so what? It isn't a big deal and that's life, tough. Well, what about common human decency? And if they don't have the staff to call all the elderly clients who they have made scheduling changes for, then find some volunteers to do it! Or at least be sorry about not being able to call! But they, like so many others who work in service for the elderly, care more about their paycheck than they do about the elderly people they are supposed to be working for!
And it isn't only the people of my generation (and older) working for the elderly who have this lack of compassion.....it is many of the younger people of today too! So often I hear a lack of patience or kindness shown towards the elderly...teenagers who think that all old people do is complain and bring them down. But these teenagers are usually the children of people who don't care and have no compassion to teach their children so this cycle continues!
I have heard from so many people, of all generations, that they don't think the elderly deserve any special treatment. That they shouldn't be excused for bad temperment or complaints or aches and pains...and these are usually the same people who show little support or sympathy for children getting any special treatment or "extras" in life either!
There are just too many unconcerned, uncompassionate, hollow people out there and I fear it is getting worse, not better. But I am thankful to have a higher thought capacity to be able to give where it counts....to the children and to the elderly...and hopefully I can spread that goodness to enough people who's lives I touch, to make a difference.
Whoever reads this....please be good to your children and your elderly. Please give in compassion, forgiveness and care....and above all, real love.
13 Feb 2007
The elderly and the lack of respect they get.....
As my mother's primary caregiver, I grow increasingly frustrated with the great lack of respect and compassion for the elderly. On Mum's behalf, I speak to many different organizations that represent services for the elderly; services that she receives from Veteran's Affairs, Home Support, etc, and so many of the people who work for these service organizations, just DO NOT care about the elderly that they represent! They are supposed to be working FOR the elderly, yet so many of them are rude and don't have a shred of compassion to offer when the need arises!
A lot (but not all) of the home support workers who come to bathe Mum and deal with her personal care are great....nice, caring individuals. However, all too often people in the offices that take care of scheduling, or invoicing, etc, are snippy and rude and clearly take great offense to many of the services these "old people" are getting! I get the feeling from them that they feel they are being deprived personally or out of pocket somehow from these old people getting so much....when in fact, the elderly should be catered to and cared for with golden glove service!! Especially the war vets who fought for our freedom, as Mum did!
Why is it such a problem to lay out the red carpet for the elderly? Don't they deserve it? Seriously, the elderly (and children) are the ones who should be given the most in this world from our governments and should also be given care and consideration from the rest of society!
Yet so few seem to really care. Can people not realize that we will ALL get old and need help and want compassion and consideration for our aches and pains and grouchy, elderly moods? And can people not remember what it is like to be a child and how great it is to be indulged a little in life? And if someone wasn't fortunate enough to be given love or compassion as a child, shouldn't that be even more of a reason to want to give that out to children now? Or to the elderly?
There are just so many angry, non-compassionate people out there who cannot give to those who deserve it most, who do not know how to give or clue in to what is most important in life....and it makes me so frustrated!
The scheduling department at Home Support never phone to say when Mum's regular worker is off sick and a replacement will be coming, and this is so stressful for her. All of a sudden a stranger appears to bathe her after she has formed a rapport with her regular worker....and when I phone and complain to scheduling, they just say well, we don't have time to call everyone, we are busy making schedules and we have over 300 clients to deal with! They give ME attitude instead of showing a little care and concern for my mother's feelings! And when I say that to them, they act like, so what? It isn't a big deal and that's life, tough. Well, what about common human decency? And if they don't have the staff to call all the elderly clients who they have made scheduling changes for, then find some volunteers to do it! Or at least be sorry about not being able to call! But they, like so many others who work in service for the elderly, care more about their paycheck than they do about the elderly people they are supposed to be working for!
And it isn't only the people of my generation (and older) working for the elderly who have this lack of compassion.....it is many of the younger people of today too! So often I hear a lack of patience or kindness shown towards the elderly...teenagers who think that all old people do is complain and bring them down. But these teenagers are usually the children of people who don't care and have no compassion to teach their children so this cycle continues!
I have heard from so many people, of all generations, that they don't think the elderly deserve any special treatment. That they shouldn't be excused for bad temperment or complaints or aches and pains...and these are usually the same people who show little support or sympathy for children getting any special treatment or "extras" in life either!
There are just too many unconcerned, uncompassionate, hollow people out there and I fear it is getting worse, not better. But I am thankful to have a higher thought capacity to be able to give where it counts....to the children and to the elderly...and hopefully I can spread that goodness to enough people who's lives I touch, to make a difference.
Whoever reads this....please be good to your children and your elderly. Please give in compassion, forgiveness and care....and above all, real love.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Homeschooling vs. Public School and those labels du jour...
When pondering over the decision surrounding my son’s future with our local school last Fall, we were fairly new to homeschooling and I stated then, that I felt homeschooling did not provide enough stimulation for him.
Oh how wrong I was….and how happy I am to have been so wrong!
I’m not a teacher…not by a long shot. But I am a devoted and loving mother, filled with endless patience…the patience that many teachers seem to lack these days.
I have found ample social activities for him outside of the home in art classes, swimming, horseback riding and he soon will be joining an astronomy program too. He interacts well with others (much better than when thrown in with the mixed bunch of rude children at the school!) and does not need or want many hours per day of outside socializing. He is far more content to be social within our home, where HOME is the number one mentor and guiding factor in his life. Home is the nucleus of a child’s life and through homeschooling he is developing a far greater appreciation for home and family. I believe child socialization is overrated in today’s world and the emphasis should be more on the home and family, whether homeschooling or not.
Parents are so busy working and getting their kids “socialized” in an array of daycares and sports teams and other activities, that their lives become overly busy and full with everything BUT the home and family these days! Most people I have met through the school systems have been two-parent working families, claiming they NEEDED to both work and there was no other way. Oh, please. See my blog rant on this from 2009...scroll back. It is not NEED, it is want. The WANT to be on par with the status quo and the WANT to make sure one parent does not have to do more or less than the other parent in the outside workforce. I have met so many mothers who lamented how their husbands would not be pleased or supportive if they didn’t get out there and back to work asap once the baby was at least a year old! These men have such a chip on their shoulders about having to do all the work, that they would rather browbeat their wives to get out there to work and make them feel guilty if they don’t! Staying home and raising children is the MOST important work there is! But very few people see it that way any longer.
One of my biggest problems with the school system in Canada is the need they have to LABEL children who don’t follow the status quo. Currently, the public school system in Canada is set up to enable parents to attach a label to their child for afflictions in any aspect of learning or social skills, thus allowing the school and classroom to be provided with a special helper for the child. Sure, this does give the child more one on one help, but at what cost to the child’s inner psyche? What message does that send to the child and their peers?
The “autism spectrum” has been so overused and made sooo popular these days that I would guess that at least one in three kids has been labelled autistic or had it suggested…and adult autism is being used to explain tons of issues in society too! This is not psychology…this is grasping at straws!
Many parents are eager to embrace labels because it provides them an “answer” to their confusion over their child being somehow “abnormal” and standing out from others in any way, shape or form. It has become a trend and a bandwagon.
For example, if a child has trouble pronouncing words and is behind with this skill, as laid out by the so-called “experts”, tons of parents now eagerly get their child into speech therapy and get help as quickly as possible, rather than just let it be. They don’t want to take their own time to constantly correct their child or spend the extra time needed going over words and sounds…not when a label means “professional help” and the problem gets to be recognized as medically “out of their control” and someone else can clean up the mess. To me, this is laziness at it’s finest. And also has an element of the parent wanting to “fit in” themselves…be part of the “diagnosis club”. Barf.
Parents justify themselves by stating they are doing right by their child by fixing the problem before it gets any worse, but how do they know it would even progress? Why make a mountain out of a molehill?
And how about the children who DARE to defy a teacher? The ones who don’t want to easily participate or fall in line? The ones who balk and sulk? I was one of those, ha ha. Boy, would I have been labelled back then if that system had been in place! Kids had better not do that too many times or look out, the label of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) will be awarded to them! Anything to explain behaviour that is non-status quo. Parents and schools alike are excited and happy to have these labels for the extra help it provides and the “whew” factor to explain and rationalize the non-conformist behaviour.
And let’s not forget the popular-in-the-90’s term of ADD (attention deficit disorder) which gets chucked at any kids who can’t seem to pay attention or don’t conform well to the learning system of a classroom!
People just seem to overlook the fact that every child is an individual and has a range of varied characteristics. Just because one type of child does not fit society’s status quo does not mean there is something wrong with them! Yet, it makes it easier for the parents and teachers so it is welcomed and nurtured instead of trying to nurture the children themselves.
I also realize how desperately underfunded the education system currently is. So why is the government not making education a higher priority? Why is it ok to accept these labels for our children and see that as normal when it is anything but normal! Yet like sheep, these parents follow along with this thinking and take all the labels suggested to them.
The government could pay teachers more instead of all the funding afforded to the TA’s and other such named special helpers. There is so much money being poured into the testing of kids, and the labelling, the special help and care, that the education system suffers.
Well, they can keep it. I tried it and I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want my children to have any part of it, I want better for them. I want them free to express themselves, free to ask questions, free from stereotypes, free from bullying (which far too many parents seem to think is ok to a degree so kids can learn how to sort out their own social problems and issues between them! Such BULL!), free from labels and free from intolerance.
My son is currently at the grade two level. I am not following any type of rigid learning plan or curriculum but I am definitely maintaining his learning. We work at HIS speed and HIS pace and if I have to sit and guide him through every single letter on a page of ten sentences and if it takes many hours to complete, filled with bribes, promises and constant encouragement, then I see it through, however long it takes. The only way to have a child attended that closely and thoroughly in public schools is to have that assessment and slap on that label. Teachers will only truly teach those who follow the status quo. Anyone who stands out, for any reason, and needs that extra help, is NOT the problem of the teacher. I guess they figure they aren’t paid enough for that. And maybe they should be. Maybe the current election should address that and confront these issues head on.
Until that day comes though and the system either changes or we move to another country and find a school that works for us, we are thriving and happy homeschoolers.
Oh how wrong I was….and how happy I am to have been so wrong!
I’m not a teacher…not by a long shot. But I am a devoted and loving mother, filled with endless patience…the patience that many teachers seem to lack these days.
I have found ample social activities for him outside of the home in art classes, swimming, horseback riding and he soon will be joining an astronomy program too. He interacts well with others (much better than when thrown in with the mixed bunch of rude children at the school!) and does not need or want many hours per day of outside socializing. He is far more content to be social within our home, where HOME is the number one mentor and guiding factor in his life. Home is the nucleus of a child’s life and through homeschooling he is developing a far greater appreciation for home and family. I believe child socialization is overrated in today’s world and the emphasis should be more on the home and family, whether homeschooling or not.
Parents are so busy working and getting their kids “socialized” in an array of daycares and sports teams and other activities, that their lives become overly busy and full with everything BUT the home and family these days! Most people I have met through the school systems have been two-parent working families, claiming they NEEDED to both work and there was no other way. Oh, please. See my blog rant on this from 2009...scroll back. It is not NEED, it is want. The WANT to be on par with the status quo and the WANT to make sure one parent does not have to do more or less than the other parent in the outside workforce. I have met so many mothers who lamented how their husbands would not be pleased or supportive if they didn’t get out there and back to work asap once the baby was at least a year old! These men have such a chip on their shoulders about having to do all the work, that they would rather browbeat their wives to get out there to work and make them feel guilty if they don’t! Staying home and raising children is the MOST important work there is! But very few people see it that way any longer.
One of my biggest problems with the school system in Canada is the need they have to LABEL children who don’t follow the status quo. Currently, the public school system in Canada is set up to enable parents to attach a label to their child for afflictions in any aspect of learning or social skills, thus allowing the school and classroom to be provided with a special helper for the child. Sure, this does give the child more one on one help, but at what cost to the child’s inner psyche? What message does that send to the child and their peers?
The “autism spectrum” has been so overused and made sooo popular these days that I would guess that at least one in three kids has been labelled autistic or had it suggested…and adult autism is being used to explain tons of issues in society too! This is not psychology…this is grasping at straws!
Many parents are eager to embrace labels because it provides them an “answer” to their confusion over their child being somehow “abnormal” and standing out from others in any way, shape or form. It has become a trend and a bandwagon.
For example, if a child has trouble pronouncing words and is behind with this skill, as laid out by the so-called “experts”, tons of parents now eagerly get their child into speech therapy and get help as quickly as possible, rather than just let it be. They don’t want to take their own time to constantly correct their child or spend the extra time needed going over words and sounds…not when a label means “professional help” and the problem gets to be recognized as medically “out of their control” and someone else can clean up the mess. To me, this is laziness at it’s finest. And also has an element of the parent wanting to “fit in” themselves…be part of the “diagnosis club”. Barf.
Parents justify themselves by stating they are doing right by their child by fixing the problem before it gets any worse, but how do they know it would even progress? Why make a mountain out of a molehill?
And how about the children who DARE to defy a teacher? The ones who don’t want to easily participate or fall in line? The ones who balk and sulk? I was one of those, ha ha. Boy, would I have been labelled back then if that system had been in place! Kids had better not do that too many times or look out, the label of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) will be awarded to them! Anything to explain behaviour that is non-status quo. Parents and schools alike are excited and happy to have these labels for the extra help it provides and the “whew” factor to explain and rationalize the non-conformist behaviour.
And let’s not forget the popular-in-the-90’s term of ADD (attention deficit disorder) which gets chucked at any kids who can’t seem to pay attention or don’t conform well to the learning system of a classroom!
People just seem to overlook the fact that every child is an individual and has a range of varied characteristics. Just because one type of child does not fit society’s status quo does not mean there is something wrong with them! Yet, it makes it easier for the parents and teachers so it is welcomed and nurtured instead of trying to nurture the children themselves.
I also realize how desperately underfunded the education system currently is. So why is the government not making education a higher priority? Why is it ok to accept these labels for our children and see that as normal when it is anything but normal! Yet like sheep, these parents follow along with this thinking and take all the labels suggested to them.
The government could pay teachers more instead of all the funding afforded to the TA’s and other such named special helpers. There is so much money being poured into the testing of kids, and the labelling, the special help and care, that the education system suffers.
Well, they can keep it. I tried it and I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want my children to have any part of it, I want better for them. I want them free to express themselves, free to ask questions, free from stereotypes, free from bullying (which far too many parents seem to think is ok to a degree so kids can learn how to sort out their own social problems and issues between them! Such BULL!), free from labels and free from intolerance.
My son is currently at the grade two level. I am not following any type of rigid learning plan or curriculum but I am definitely maintaining his learning. We work at HIS speed and HIS pace and if I have to sit and guide him through every single letter on a page of ten sentences and if it takes many hours to complete, filled with bribes, promises and constant encouragement, then I see it through, however long it takes. The only way to have a child attended that closely and thoroughly in public schools is to have that assessment and slap on that label. Teachers will only truly teach those who follow the status quo. Anyone who stands out, for any reason, and needs that extra help, is NOT the problem of the teacher. I guess they figure they aren’t paid enough for that. And maybe they should be. Maybe the current election should address that and confront these issues head on.
Until that day comes though and the system either changes or we move to another country and find a school that works for us, we are thriving and happy homeschoolers.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Blame Game
Most blame is a waste of time and energy. Blaming others does not bring forth any happiness within yourself, however, there are times when blame is simply a result of the circumstance. When the action that caused the blame happened simply as a bare fact, the best thing you can do is recognize it, accept it, be proud to not shoulder any self-blame IF there was no reason to do so, and then do not dwell on the situation any longer. It is what it is and moving forward in happiness is the best thing you can do.
If someone ran over to you and punched you in the face, it would be that person who took the negative action against you and the blame to them would be from that circumstance. But it is what you do with that blame that really is important.
It is important to look deeply within to see if you did contribute to the issue at hand before completely finding fault or laying blame on another. Just being a part of the relationship is a self contributory fact alone. But if there were actions of anger, negativity or hostility given out in the relationship and you were on the receiving end of it, it is best to just walk away and try to feel sorry for the one who felt such a need to cause that much pain to you, or to whoever they hurt. Lending empathy and being sympathetic to the person who has the need within themselves to mock, belittle, tease, hurt or betray you, is far better than blaming them for the actions or behaviours they took against you.
Some people believe the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. I think in some cases that is true yes, especially if you hold onto the blame and have inner unhappiness needing to be dealt with. But if the only thing causing you unhappiness was the person you are blaming for wrongful actions against you, then perhaps once that person is eliminated from your life, all traces of unhappiness will vanish. After all, if they were so toxic to your life in the first place, perhaps the blame is somewhat justifiable for how they treated you: Blame to yourself for staying in a relationship with someone who sucked away all of your positive spirit. And blame to them for having such a cruel and cold heart.
But rather than hang onto any of that blame, instead try to find a reason to smile when you wear clothing they gifted you with, or when you write in that special notebook they gave you. Think of them fondly when a song comes on that brings them to mind. Send them loving and positive thoughts always, no matter what they did to you or how heartbreaking.
You cannot change what they did or how their actions affected you. You can however, change how you choose to deal with it.
As Liam Gallagher said, “Don’t look back in anger.”
Don’t hold onto blame. Because it is what it is. They did what they did and once it is over, it is done. Your lives are free from each other and only the memories remain. Let the memories be free from blame and filled only with the happiness of what was good about the time your lives once were entwined.
If someone ran over to you and punched you in the face, it would be that person who took the negative action against you and the blame to them would be from that circumstance. But it is what you do with that blame that really is important.
It is important to look deeply within to see if you did contribute to the issue at hand before completely finding fault or laying blame on another. Just being a part of the relationship is a self contributory fact alone. But if there were actions of anger, negativity or hostility given out in the relationship and you were on the receiving end of it, it is best to just walk away and try to feel sorry for the one who felt such a need to cause that much pain to you, or to whoever they hurt. Lending empathy and being sympathetic to the person who has the need within themselves to mock, belittle, tease, hurt or betray you, is far better than blaming them for the actions or behaviours they took against you.
Some people believe the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. I think in some cases that is true yes, especially if you hold onto the blame and have inner unhappiness needing to be dealt with. But if the only thing causing you unhappiness was the person you are blaming for wrongful actions against you, then perhaps once that person is eliminated from your life, all traces of unhappiness will vanish. After all, if they were so toxic to your life in the first place, perhaps the blame is somewhat justifiable for how they treated you: Blame to yourself for staying in a relationship with someone who sucked away all of your positive spirit. And blame to them for having such a cruel and cold heart.
But rather than hang onto any of that blame, instead try to find a reason to smile when you wear clothing they gifted you with, or when you write in that special notebook they gave you. Think of them fondly when a song comes on that brings them to mind. Send them loving and positive thoughts always, no matter what they did to you or how heartbreaking.
You cannot change what they did or how their actions affected you. You can however, change how you choose to deal with it.
As Liam Gallagher said, “Don’t look back in anger.”
Don’t hold onto blame. Because it is what it is. They did what they did and once it is over, it is done. Your lives are free from each other and only the memories remain. Let the memories be free from blame and filled only with the happiness of what was good about the time your lives once were entwined.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Mean People vs. Nice People
This is another blog from my former myspace blog, dated 9 Aug 2007. It has great relevance in my life right now so I thought I would repost it to try to help me deal with some recent pain I have been through from someone dear to my heart who I never, ever would have believed would step from the nice side over to the mean side. Or maybe I subconsciously did always know it but did not want to face it.
There are two types of people in this world: Nice people and Mean people. It is as simple as that....absolutely black and white.
Nice people care about the feelings of others, show compassion and share honest emotions.
Mean people are spiteful, uncompassionate and generally lack a deep conscience.
These two types of people meet all the time. In families....in work...in school...you will find these two basic types of people everywhere. These characteristics do not have any race, colour or creed. They are within everyone. You are either nice or you are mean. And when faced with each other, conflict and strife generally occur.
Now, can the mean person become nice? Or can the nice person become mean? Sometimes, yes. Certain aspects of either personality can manifest in anyone. A mean person can pretend to be nice. A nice person can behave in a mean way. But at the core, the result is still the same....you are either nice, or you are mean.
When a mean person behaves nicely, it is usually an act. It is what they want others to perceive them as or it is what they want to be but cannot truly achieve so they pretend. But when a nice person behaves in a mean way, they generally struggle with their conscience and feel badly for their behaviour, and learn from it and strive to change it.
If a mean person does change and completely stops the inner meanness, then they probably were never truly a mean person to begin with.
There is hope for everyone of course, but I have come to accept that those who are mean tend to stay that way and they are being who they are: Mean.
But I love watching the success stories unfold and seeing the nice people who behave in a mean way, all of a sudden have a lightbulb moment and begin to alter the mean behaviours and become the nice person they were born to be.
A nice person is who I was born to be and for that I am grateful.
There are two types of people in this world: Nice people and Mean people. It is as simple as that....absolutely black and white.
Nice people care about the feelings of others, show compassion and share honest emotions.
Mean people are spiteful, uncompassionate and generally lack a deep conscience.
These two types of people meet all the time. In families....in work...in school...you will find these two basic types of people everywhere. These characteristics do not have any race, colour or creed. They are within everyone. You are either nice or you are mean. And when faced with each other, conflict and strife generally occur.
Now, can the mean person become nice? Or can the nice person become mean? Sometimes, yes. Certain aspects of either personality can manifest in anyone. A mean person can pretend to be nice. A nice person can behave in a mean way. But at the core, the result is still the same....you are either nice, or you are mean.
When a mean person behaves nicely, it is usually an act. It is what they want others to perceive them as or it is what they want to be but cannot truly achieve so they pretend. But when a nice person behaves in a mean way, they generally struggle with their conscience and feel badly for their behaviour, and learn from it and strive to change it.
If a mean person does change and completely stops the inner meanness, then they probably were never truly a mean person to begin with.
There is hope for everyone of course, but I have come to accept that those who are mean tend to stay that way and they are being who they are: Mean.
But I love watching the success stories unfold and seeing the nice people who behave in a mean way, all of a sudden have a lightbulb moment and begin to alter the mean behaviours and become the nice person they were born to be.
A nice person is who I was born to be and for that I am grateful.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Metal Queen
For my return to blogging, I have decided to revamp a few of my older blog postings which came from my original blog over at myspace. I recently shut down my myspace account but saved all the blogs, as that was my main purpose of even having it. It pre-dated facebook and was the original way to reconnect with old friends and extended family.
However, this year I decided to cut way back on social media. Using social networks for business purposes is one thing, but too many old friends, acquaintance connections and some disgruntled family members just did not really have a place in the viewing of my life. I narrowed it down to the people I really want in my life and gave others the option to contact me through postal mail, if they so desired. So far I haven’t had any letters! So I feel I have made the right choices.
Many of these deleted connections laughed at me or made fun of me and my metal queen alter-ego. It is their right to laugh all they want, but I sure don’t want anyone who mocks me or finds any of my personal passions to be laughable in a not-so-nice way, to have any connection with me on a social networking level.
But for those who do, and those who are curious, here is one of my blogs I posted on myspace back in 2007, explaining all about how I got the name of Metal Queen…
25 Jan 2007
How I got the name Metal Queen....
Many people ask me.....how did I get the Metal Queen handle?
Well, it is an interesting story which I shall share...
Many moons ago, I was the lead singer in an assortment of hard rock/metal bands in the town where I grew up, Moncton, N.B. After leaving Moncton at age 21, I also sang in bands in Toronto for a brief time before moving permanently to the west coast.
In my bands I rocked out, singing Maiden, Priest, Metallica, Skid Row, Poison, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard....basically if they had hair and great vocals/melody lines, I loved covering it! :)
I would have loved to sing some more female driven music but in the 80's and early
90's, the whole rock/metal world was a boys club and I was lucky to even find a place in it at all. I did manage to get a Tiffany song onto our set list with my band Savage, ha ha....thank you Steve for rocking the Tiffany for me! :)
THE Metal Queen of course is Canada's own, Lee Aaron, and I have been fortunate to see her own the stage live, back in 1992 in Vancouver. I have never had the chance to cover any of her stuff but I sure would love to, as she has an amazing voice and truly is the Metal Queen and I am honoured to be able to borrow her name.
When I was older and in the working world in Vancouver in the mid-90's, I got connected to a very cool dude named Nardwuar, thanks to my good friend Mark Gaudet in Moncton (of Eric's Trip and other notable Moncton bands). At the time, Nardwuar and I happened to work in the same building at UBC...he was in the radio station on the top floor and I was in the basement, scratching out a living as a travel agent.
Upon my first meeting with Nardwuar, he enjoyed hearing some of my more colourful metal stories of bands I had met and the music that I loved, and from then on he christened me Metal Queen, and the name stuck .
He went on to interview me on his radio show, which for me, laid out the beginning ideas and background for my book of Moncton metal memoirs which I have been working on for over 15 years now. It was fun to talk about all the hair-bands and metal bands I had met and sang covers of, as well as many of the adventures I'd had within that whole crazy scene.
I did some work with Nardwuar and interviewed with him, many of these metal bands of yesteryear, which was a lot of fun and eventually some of these interviews were covered in Chart Magazine.
So that is how I gained the title of Metal Queen....I feel more like Metal Mum or Laundry Queen these days but thanks to Nardwuar, the name always makes me feel eternally connected with my notorious past, which one day hopefully will be in print for others to enjoy...or cringe at! :)
Rock on!
Metal Queen
Link to my 2010 interview with Nardwuar, catching up on all things Metal Queen:
http://playlist.citr.ca/podcasting/audio/20101210-153601-to-20101210-170314.mp3
However, this year I decided to cut way back on social media. Using social networks for business purposes is one thing, but too many old friends, acquaintance connections and some disgruntled family members just did not really have a place in the viewing of my life. I narrowed it down to the people I really want in my life and gave others the option to contact me through postal mail, if they so desired. So far I haven’t had any letters! So I feel I have made the right choices.
Many of these deleted connections laughed at me or made fun of me and my metal queen alter-ego. It is their right to laugh all they want, but I sure don’t want anyone who mocks me or finds any of my personal passions to be laughable in a not-so-nice way, to have any connection with me on a social networking level.
But for those who do, and those who are curious, here is one of my blogs I posted on myspace back in 2007, explaining all about how I got the name of Metal Queen…
25 Jan 2007
How I got the name Metal Queen....
Many people ask me.....how did I get the Metal Queen handle?
Well, it is an interesting story which I shall share...
Many moons ago, I was the lead singer in an assortment of hard rock/metal bands in the town where I grew up, Moncton, N.B. After leaving Moncton at age 21, I also sang in bands in Toronto for a brief time before moving permanently to the west coast.
In my bands I rocked out, singing Maiden, Priest, Metallica, Skid Row, Poison, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard....basically if they had hair and great vocals/melody lines, I loved covering it! :)
I would have loved to sing some more female driven music but in the 80's and early
90's, the whole rock/metal world was a boys club and I was lucky to even find a place in it at all. I did manage to get a Tiffany song onto our set list with my band Savage, ha ha....thank you Steve for rocking the Tiffany for me! :)
THE Metal Queen of course is Canada's own, Lee Aaron, and I have been fortunate to see her own the stage live, back in 1992 in Vancouver. I have never had the chance to cover any of her stuff but I sure would love to, as she has an amazing voice and truly is the Metal Queen and I am honoured to be able to borrow her name.
When I was older and in the working world in Vancouver in the mid-90's, I got connected to a very cool dude named Nardwuar, thanks to my good friend Mark Gaudet in Moncton (of Eric's Trip and other notable Moncton bands). At the time, Nardwuar and I happened to work in the same building at UBC...he was in the radio station on the top floor and I was in the basement, scratching out a living as a travel agent.
Upon my first meeting with Nardwuar, he enjoyed hearing some of my more colourful metal stories of bands I had met and the music that I loved, and from then on he christened me Metal Queen, and the name stuck .
He went on to interview me on his radio show, which for me, laid out the beginning ideas and background for my book of Moncton metal memoirs which I have been working on for over 15 years now. It was fun to talk about all the hair-bands and metal bands I had met and sang covers of, as well as many of the adventures I'd had within that whole crazy scene.
I did some work with Nardwuar and interviewed with him, many of these metal bands of yesteryear, which was a lot of fun and eventually some of these interviews were covered in Chart Magazine.
So that is how I gained the title of Metal Queen....I feel more like Metal Mum or Laundry Queen these days but thanks to Nardwuar, the name always makes me feel eternally connected with my notorious past, which one day hopefully will be in print for others to enjoy...or cringe at! :)
Rock on!
Metal Queen
Link to my 2010 interview with Nardwuar, catching up on all things Metal Queen:
http://playlist.citr.ca/podcasting/audio/20101210-153601-to-20101210-170314.mp3
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Back To Blogging
I honestly do not have time to blog. Blogging time should probably be time spent working as much as possible. Either on housework, parenting, cooking or my writing and website business. But every now and then I want a little break and I don’t really want to think much. I don’t always feel like picking up my pen and journaling. I want to be at the computer so I can listen to music without waking the baby, and do a little surfing for entertainment value. So in that respect, blogging is a good exercise for my brain while having some down time.
I took a blog break for awhile but the time feels right to return to a sharing of my thoughts and feelings with the world. My hope is to attract only positive people with positive thoughts towards me and my words. I know that won’t be the reality of course, but I feel ready again to try and put myself out there. I have some strong and firm opinions and a deeply compassionate heart, which I don’t want to be afraid to share.
I hated having to moderate comments but I also don’t want a lot of battling on my blog either. Debate is good...thoughtful differences of opinion are fabulous. But belittling, cruel judgements, taunting or being sarcastic just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I guess it is part of blogging...taking the good with the bad. I have browsed quite a few other blogs over the past few months and I see that many other people who blog also have to endure the “haters” if they choose to be public bloggers.
For a long time I believed I was a full on extrovert and was welcoming and eager for all attention, negative or positive. But I have come to discover that I am actually far more introverted and filled with so much emotional energy that I don’t withstand hatred or negativity too well.
The fact that I am adjusting to life as a single mum and proceeding with a heart-wrenching divorce, likely adds to my emotions too. It is a journey though and I love a good journey filled with adventure.
But if I am to put myself out there as a writer and embrace this next phase of my life and my creative career, I have to thicken the skin that is far thinner than I ever realized.
So it’s time to put on my leather jacket, dust off my backpack, lace up my hiking boots and tease up my hair…I am ready world. Metal Queen is ready to crank the tunes, plan some car-free trips, share some life opinions, and most of all, kick some ass. :)
I took a blog break for awhile but the time feels right to return to a sharing of my thoughts and feelings with the world. My hope is to attract only positive people with positive thoughts towards me and my words. I know that won’t be the reality of course, but I feel ready again to try and put myself out there. I have some strong and firm opinions and a deeply compassionate heart, which I don’t want to be afraid to share.
I hated having to moderate comments but I also don’t want a lot of battling on my blog either. Debate is good...thoughtful differences of opinion are fabulous. But belittling, cruel judgements, taunting or being sarcastic just doesn’t do anyone any good. But I guess it is part of blogging...taking the good with the bad. I have browsed quite a few other blogs over the past few months and I see that many other people who blog also have to endure the “haters” if they choose to be public bloggers.
For a long time I believed I was a full on extrovert and was welcoming and eager for all attention, negative or positive. But I have come to discover that I am actually far more introverted and filled with so much emotional energy that I don’t withstand hatred or negativity too well.
The fact that I am adjusting to life as a single mum and proceeding with a heart-wrenching divorce, likely adds to my emotions too. It is a journey though and I love a good journey filled with adventure.
But if I am to put myself out there as a writer and embrace this next phase of my life and my creative career, I have to thicken the skin that is far thinner than I ever realized.
So it’s time to put on my leather jacket, dust off my backpack, lace up my hiking boots and tease up my hair…I am ready world. Metal Queen is ready to crank the tunes, plan some car-free trips, share some life opinions, and most of all, kick some ass. :)
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