Starting Over...Again.

2014 has been a very interesting year so far for me. Full of fun, excitement and friends…but also of more life changes and personal realities about those friends.
 

I have been a UK resident for almost two years now. And a citizen for 15 months. The children are well settled in our gorgeous little 3 room village school and I pledge my love and allegiance to our village by writing a weekly events and news column about it in our local paper.

But do I feel this is it? Home at last? Where I want to live for the rest of my life? Probably not. It is very close though. And will definitely be home for a very long time to come. The children are having a lovely childhood here in their tiny school of only 70 students, and with the beach at our doorstep in such a peaceful place is everything I had hoped for them to be blessed with in life here.

However, with small villages also comes some small minds and a selection of discontented, gossipy people. 

I had not even considered this element to be a factor to my own happiness here as I felt so welcomed, embraced and befriended by some seemingly wonderful people. I was swept up in new friendships which blossomed quickly and it felt like we had been close our whole lives! Besides these close friends, I also have many positive parent-friends through school due to our children being friends and having playdates. Then there are also dozens of locals I speak to on a regular basis, sometimes to gather news for the paper, sometimes just for a hello and a chat.  Overall, life in my little village by the sea was pretty serene.

But then the serenity turned to strife. It all unfolded slowly and I almost didn’t see it coming, as caught up as I was in my bubble of happiness in my social circle.

I was also fairly distracted with another large life event. The house we had been renting since we arrived in the village in 2013, the sweet and perfect house overlooking the beach with an annex for my Mum, was now being taken away from us as the owners no longer wished to rent it. So my mind was constantly in motion and stress as I struggled to find us a new home. Not an easy task considering how few large house rentals are available in this area. 

So with my mind busy with the moving issues, I failed to notice that my friendship circle was shifting and not in a positive way towards me. I picked up on many subtle clues and things said that made me silently question the friendships, but I avoided confrontation due to 1.not wanting the good times to end and 2.being too consumed with my moving stress…which dragged on for more than 6 months!

As the weeks progressed, I started noticing catty comments thrown my way about my appearance, rumblings of jealousy and some real bitchiness, always disguised as mere “joking around”. I should have known from the amount of gossip these women talked about others that they likely also targeted me with their poisonous venom when I wasn’t around. In fact, I soon became completely sure of it.

Why did these “friends” change towards me? Maybe because I stand out. I am a loud and large personality. I jump up and sing on stage with bands in the local pub, making a “show” of myself. I flirt with young 20-ish year old boys even though I am 44 because I have the self confidence to do so. They lack this confidence and so instead of cheering me on, as true friends would, they tore me apart over it, and tried to bring me down and strip away my inner goddess. 

I think these women liked the thought of who I am but when faced with my strength and personality up close and on a regular basis, they hated me for having what they did not. And I am someone who would only seek to encourage those who didn’t have it, to be an uplifting supporter rallying to help my friends achieve whatever they wanted to do or become….that is who I am. 

But none of that matters if the people you are trying to cheer on and support are so bitter, angry and discontent within themselves that all they can give out is disrespect, gossip and scorn. These so-called friendships had no place to go but down as they became increasingly annoyed by who I am and the happiness and joy I strive to radiate and sparkle with. 

It hurt when it all ended, right on my moving day and on into the following week while I was away on holiday with the children. Everything came to a head during such a busy, stressful time for me. A huge implosion, where all of my fears and doubts about these people were proven correct and the fall out that scattered forth from the blast, left miles of debris which is still strewn all around me. This won’t be easy to overcome.

But overcome it I will. 

As I create a new home within this wonderful house we were so lucky to find, and start over here, I am also starting over here without friends. I am grateful to have many people here who are amicable and friendly to me, but I will really miss the social circle I had created with these “girlfriends” and the fun times we shared.

However, I believe there will be more good times to come and a new and better social circle, one that is free from gossip or speaking in a mean spirited way about others. I want to find people who don’t bash their neighbours or say cruel and mean words about another mum from school and then speak to her with a smile on the playground. I don’t want to be around mean or shallow people. I want to be around my type of people. People who say loving words, kind words, and find positive points to say about people they are discussing instead of hurtful gossip. 

I want to be around other women who have the self confidence to tell me I look beautiful and amazing as I do to them. I want to be around people who are not embarrassed by me “showing off” or standing out in my creative or musical aspects. I want encouragement and cheerleading, not cattiness or put-downs.

And if I have to be alone until I find that, then so be it. I am comfortable being alone. I am very social and love fun camaraderie, but I am equally as content singing to my mirror into a hairbrush or having lunch in a café on my own reading a good book. 

Starting over in a new house, a few miles away from my beloved village, is hard work. But starting over in my social life here is even harder work.

But I will do it, and it will be great. It all happens for a reason, and I think the universe just steered me away from being with the wrong people so I could be ready and open to be with the right ones.

Reality Bites

So here I am again. Blogging about the same thing that I blogged about last time. Basically an issue that has really been bothering me. But I think I have found a decent conclusion to it now and made the tough decision to walk away from it. I say it is tough because I wanted to believe in a fairy tale that did not exist, once again hoping for the good in someone’s intentions but feeling let down when that good was simply not there.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I follow(ed) a small farm community online and truly enjoyed the love and devotion displayed towards her beloved chickens and other animals. But this illusion was shattered when she publically displayed her blood-lust towards a weasel that killed some of her chickens. This just did not sit well with me. It was like a contradiction of who she was portraying herself to be. Here is this woman putting dresses on her injured chickens and cuddling them like babies, treating all of her animals like family members, and then she reveals that her animal love is conditional. She has no problem spilling the blood of predators who are simply behaving like nature intended them to. And she has no problem being graphically sadistic about it. So that contradiction changed how I felt about her. I began to see her as not quite the gentle animal-lover I had believed her to be. But I still liked her anecdotes about her animals and I enjoyed watching her farm grow and progress as she added horses, goats and turkeys to her menagerie.

I hoped maybe she would have a change of heart on the predators and maybe realize she was wrong. After all, she did receive some feedback from readers who were upset with her blood-lust, and in a later incident with raccoons she didn’t make such an issue out of it and did state they would be relocated rather than slaughtered. So I hoped things would be better as I really liked her writing style and her witty banter steeped in a combination of pop culture and literacy.

However, there now stands an incident where there is no turning back for me.

The other day she made an announcement that she was taking orders on her turkeys for Thanksgiving!

Say what??

Are these the same turkeys she lovingly took endless photos of, wrote cute little stories about, developed their personalities (to the delight of us readers), and gave names to? She mothered these birds, she clearly came across as though they were FAMILY members! Or was that my own incorrect assumption? Perhaps it is normal to treat animals you plan to murder with such familial ties?

I don’t think so.

There is something very, very wrong about this situation. 

I called her out on it. I commented that I did not realize she was going to kill the turkeys! I had thought they were pets like the other animals…or perhaps I am wrong about them too? 

Her response was that if they were not bred for meat then the breed would die out as people have no use for them as pets. I then did a little online research and discovered many anti-kill farms keep these turkeys as barnyard pets. I mentioned that to her but she refused to budge on her stance. And that’s fine, she can do whatever she wants. But I am left feeling rather blindsided about who she is.

I then decided to leave her community permanently. There just is no other way. And I was going to send her a message of peace and hope but then I saw she had posted an open letter on her wall, directed at me, without naming me specifically. But it was very much directed at me. This is what she posted:

“A NOTE TO READERS.
Hi. Welcome. Glad to have you here. Please, make yourself to home. That said...

More and more, we are farm, not a zoo. My concentration, going forward, will be raising food-producing animals, giving them the best possible lives, as an end unto itself, and also to produce the best possible food.
If you choose to be a strict vegan, God bless you. That's a great choice, but it is not a choice for everyone. If you choose to consume dairy and eggs thinking you are not contributing to the torture and death of animals, you're not seeing the whole picture. Even if every drop of milk and every egg you buy and consume was produced by animals living in the lap of luxury, animals were slaughtered to produce it.
I know, I know. A huge veil was lifted from my eyes when I realised the fates of (abundant, unwanted) male chickens and dairy animals. I thought being a vegetarian was preventing animal death, and then I learned: the consumption of animal meat goes hand in hand with eggs and dairy, and will continue to do so, until the day Mother Nature decides to pop out a more favourable male/female ratio when she procreates. If we're facing our food, here, and I strive to face my food, squarely, without flinching, we need to face that.
I do not eat meat. I have not eaten meat for 17 years, which I believe gives me a little cred. I do not judge (and have never judged) those who do, and I am making it my mission to produce meat from animals who live, and die, as humanely as possible. I may even eat meat again someday, but that's another story. For now, I strive to be part of the solution of the CAFO problem, and not turn the blind eye I felt my vegetarianism granted me.
All this to say, if it upsets you to read about the slaughter of animals for meat, or the steps we take to protect our livestock, this might not be the page for you. I hope you stick around. I just wanted to be very clear about my mission here.
Peace out.”

So that was me told. 

And this is her farm to do with as she wishes, to treat animals however she desires. 

And no, I am not a vegan or a vegetarian although I would like to be. And I like to feel I am heading in that direction. But I could not befriend an animal and then kill it. I do feel terrible guilt about eating animals or animal products. And this has given me a well-needed push to go in the vegan direction a little faster.

But what bothers me here is failing to understand how she can dote on her animals like pets and then turn around and kill them. It is unsettling. How she treats predators should have been a red flag. But she gushes with such love and joy towards her animals that it defies reason to think that she could slaughter them. 

I made it clear to her by posting my own farewell. I stated I had no interest in changing her mind on the choices she makes, but I had to leave because she was not who I believed she was and everything about her farm was too much of a contradiction for me. Of course she deleted my comment even though it was said in complete kindness. She obviously does not want any other readers to see my words and think about her actions not being consistent with her behaviours.

Sigh. I have to put it all behind me now. Which is often hard for me to do as I have such a hard time walking away from someone or something that I loved or cared about. And I did care about her farm, I had come to delight in her posts and adorable photos of her seemingly worshipped animals.

I have gained wisdom from this experience though, one more moment of growth in the greater journey.

And my hope for her is that she looks at herself and asks herself why she is ok with the death of any animal, be it either pet or predator, on her hands. What does that say about who she is?

Winona was right. Reality bites.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

That is a rather biblical title. And I am anything but biblical, in fact I am completely non-religious. However, what I do believe in is the basic message behind most religions…kindness, love and compassion. And that extends to animals as well as people.

This past week has been rather lacking in compassion in the world. Just like when Bin Laden was killed, people have taken to celebrating and partying in the streets over the recent death of former British PM Margaret Thatcher. This is so disturbing to me. There is already such a nasty lack of compassion in our world, which we see constantly, so when a large scale outpouring of hate erupts so publically it just reminds me of where far too many people’s heads are at. And it is scary. Because that is what is being taught to children. And what does that mean for the future?

This lacking in compassion is coming out of even the most unlikely people. I have a former friend in Canada who is a small scale farmer. She keeps chickens for eggs and she is a vegetarian. She preaches kindness and is a gentle sort of person. So imagine my surprise when she showed a new side of herself and advocated killing an innocent animal. It is not what I expected at all.

She had been losing chickens to a sneaky raccoon. Not just killing her chickens to eat, but a bloodbath of a slaughter. She was understandably upset and set a trap for the raccoon. I thought I knew her so well. But I realized I did not truly know her at all when I asked her where they would be relocating the raccoon to. Her normally calm and gentle manner was replaced by a person I did not recognize. “Relocation?? Straight to HELL! I want it DEAD!” Those were the words snarled from my kind, sweet, vegetarian friend.

Ok, I understand seeing the chickens murdered brutally would be deeply upsetting. But why want death for another animal? An animal that was only following instinct? Did my friend just pretend to be a person of kindness? How can you be a person of kind heart and also want to call for death of an innocent animal? Or dance in the street to celebrate a leader who has died simply because you did not agree with her politics? It is all the same thinking. Very skewed thinking.

It does not make sense to me and our friendship nose dived after that…I began to see many more instances where she lacked in compassion and it was as if once she had let me peek inside the “real” person she is, she no longer cared to pretend. Which is too bad, because it makes it really hard for me to be friends with someone I don’t respect. And she lost my respect when she so easily wanted that raccoon killed.

I saw another instance of someone wanting a predator killed this week. Someone who’s farming blog I followed and really enjoyed. I felt horrible for her when she lost some of her own precious chickens to a weasel. But once again, I was surprised to discover she did not extend any compassion to the weasel. She came across so gentle and in love with her animals…but that is where the love ended. She only loves HER animals. And wants death and a dance on the grave of any other animal that may mess with HER animals. Relocation in a live trap for the weasel could have been done...but she posted she was happy it suffered when it died and she wanted to chop it up and feed it to the chickens.

Although I did not know this person personally, it was just another highlighted example of where true feelings lie and that even people who act like they love animals and have good hearts, show a different side to themselves when the chips are down.

The people who treat animals in this way are giving a very bad message to children or to people reading their words who may look up to them. It all starts with bloodlust of a raccoon or a weasel and from that will come a crowd who dances when someone hated dies.

There should be no “eye for an eye”. No killing or celebrating death. Yet these are the values and morals that so many people are teaching their kids by their own actions and behaviours. Children will mirror this way of thinking and those of us with a voice of love will find it harder and harder to be heard above the war cries and the cheering for death.

I don’t want compassion to be lost but the best I can do right now, is set the right example for my own. And send hope to those who just haven’t “gotten it” yet.

No More Def Lepparding: The future is Cornish!

I have not blogged in sooo long! Life has been busy and my handwritten journals have been using up all and any blogging time.

But, I don’t want to be accused of Def Lepparding! Which is my personal term to define any overly long time for completing something creative. Any true Lep fans, like myself, will understand this when they recall the panic that swept through the music industry in the mid 80’s while everyone waited…and waited…and waited for Def Leppard to complete Hysteria, a long 4 years and one lost drummer arm after Pyromania!

However, I have been determined to not do any Def Lepparding myself and with some pretty big life plans coming together for the near future, I feel it is the right time for this Metal Queen to blog a little. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything else these days with so many things to look forward to and prepare for!

We are finally over dealing with extreme jet-lag, which lasted over a week after our return at the end of October from two months of backpacking around the UK.

This was the most epic of all of our epic car-free travelling adventures so far…and my first time going overseas to travel on my own with the children!

I am so thankful for the amount of mini-treks we made around southern coastal B.C. for the past three years, as these trips served to strengthen and prepare us for this biggie.

It reinforced my self-belief that I can do anything I set my mind to and nothing is too big or out of reach. With hope…vision…and action…it will all come together and that is exactly what happened with this journey.

We needed to step out of our everyday lives in a desperate way. The hurdles we face caring for my Mum, at 89 years old now, are becoming more than I can handle and a break was necessary as I worked out the best plan of action for our future. We needed to take a long, hard look at England as the family we are right now at ages 43, 8, 6 and 3. I needed to know if the children would want a British life as much as I do and so we began our explorations. Because I would never make them move anywhere they didn’t feel they wanted to be.

We travelled all over, from the north to the south, from the east to the west, getting housesitting jobs as a means to fully explore different areas and have a home base for weeks at a time. We also stayed in budget hotels, B&B’s and holiday cottages. I scoured the net to find the best deals on trains and buses, as well as discounted tickets to many of the attractions we visited. Financially, the whole adventure did not cost as much as I originally anticipated.

The children thrive on the stimulation of our travelling adventures and everywhere we went, the question I always asked was, “would you like to live here?” The answer was never said with certainty until we arrived in the Southwest. And if York was the intro to our travelling song, by the time we got to Cornwall, we had come to the crescendo, and it was like fireworks were going off all around us with the feelings this magical and beautiful place brought forth in us all.

My heart has belonged to Cornwall from the first moment I laid eyes on it’s glorious beaches back in the summer of 1990. It might be due to my genealogical tie from my Cornish ancestor, Samuel Jewell, who left Cornwall for the Eastern shores of Canada in the 1700‘s. Or is could be the magnetic pull from the distinctly powerful energy I always feel practically humming from the earth and the air around me there. But what really and truly cemented my realization that this needed to be our home was when on this visit there, my children echoed my love of Cornwall right back to me, loud and clear. They were the ultimate deciding factor as my heart continued to show me signs of why we needed to settle here. Why we return here time and time again. Why it is the itch I just can’t scratch.

I think our previous attempt to move to Cornwall in 2006 with my Mum did not work because I was unhappy inside and my soul was not open and free. I was a ball of negative energy due to the ex-husband and the strife I allowed into my life from the burdens he carried. It is hard to see things clearly or let fate guide your hand smoothly when the way is barred by a toxic, disruptive life-force around you.

To be in Cornwall surrounded by only love, positivity, and an open heart, made it all really clear at long last. Our journey was over, our quest had been a success. As we left Cornwall on the train, to go and enjoy the end of our trip in London, the encore to our expedition, we gathered into a family huddle and reinforced what we all wanted: to return to Cornwall to settle and create a home, as soon as we possibly can!

We won’t be waiting long. The plans are in place and life is hurtling along at breakneck speed. There is so much to do, but we will do it. We know where we want to be, and we are going for it.

We won’t succumb to any Def Lepparding on this life changing adventure!

Come on, Get Happy! (aka Goodbye to Angeritis)

My seven year old son is prone to anger episodes. Thankfully they are occurring less and less since we eliminated the angry “problem” from our lives two years ago now - Daddy. But the residual damage is still there and it is a work in progress dealing with it and helping him overcome it.

I blame myself for staying with my ex-husband as long as I did. But my heart yearned for the fairy-tale with him, the fairy-tale which sadly could never be. I worked so hard to help him see all the good in life and to embrace the positive. But he could never find it, not even in the smiles from our children.

So it is what it is and I try to focus on all the good that came from our union and the awareness that my intentions were pure and my focus was to have a happy family. I hung on as long as I possibly could. But I had to admit defeat once my firstborn son began showing clear signs of imitating his father’s angry behaviour. That was when I knew my fairy tale would have a different ending. This Metal Queen had to leave her Punk King to be swallowed whole by his angry dragons, to ensure the young princes and princess were free from that same fate. My son would have followed his father straight into the belly of the dragon, no question. He loves his Daddy so fiercely and deeply, but with his presence a mere memory now, we are free to embrace positivity, happiness and dance in the rain.

Every so often though, a dark thundercloud settles over my son’s head and he becomes his father’s young prodigy in anger once again. His body language and his words eerily echo his fathers and I am taken back in time. I could not help my ex-husband. But I sure as hell am determined to help my son.

My ex-sister-in-law even had the ignorance to say to me, “How can you blame my brother for any of the anger and bad behaviour in your kids since he has barely seen them in the past couple of years!” I think that misguided statement speaks for itself. She has her own anger issues though so of course she would be unable to understand the complexity and depth of child psychology.

Many of the people I cast out of my life this past year are afflicted with the same anger my ex-husband carried around. My son came up with the ideal term for classifying this condition in people: Angeritis. He can now see this problem in people so clearly and often will ask me, after a bus driver or another parent has been unjustly rude to us, “Do they have the angeritis?” For him to recognize this issue at such a young age will only serve to help him overcome his own struggles with angeritis.

One of the exercises I use to help my son dispel his bouts of angeritis is a little game called, “come on, get happy!” As soon as I see those dark thunderclouds rolling in and blotting out his smile, I initiate the game. The “angry” person has to stop, take a deep breath, and then list off five things that they are grateful for and happy about. When someone is consumed with anger, this is a really hard task to complete. But I have been blessed with endless patience when it comes to my children, and I just wait him out, however long it takes. Life cannot resume until the game has been played, even if it takes hours to get started. Well, thankfully, it has never taken hours…I think the longest start-up time for my son was about 20 minutes.

As the grumbly grateful list gets started, it usually contains obvious things…like being grateful the sun is shining, or happy about not being sick. As the theme progresses and more “happy” points are brought forward, it never fails to have the anger dissipate and fall away. Slowly but surely, we turn that frown upside down and it simply becomes impossible to stay in that anger zone once the game is well underway.

When you are thinking about everything in your life that you are happy about and grateful for, it truly does make a difference to your mood. It sure does for my little boy…and for that, I am happy and grateful, each and every day.

From Boys To Men

A few years ago, thanks to the marvelous social media invention called Facebook, I was able to reconnect with an old junior high school boyfriend, whom I had not spoken to for over twenty years. We picked up where we left off so many years ago with ease, and quickly developed a strong adult friendship, enjoying lengthy and meaningful phone conversations every few weeks or more.

He shared his marriage break down with me and I shared mine with him. He confided his feelings on entering the dating world again as a single dad, and all of the pitfalls that followed. We could never converse in person though since I was on the other side of the country, thousands of miles away. He referred to himself as being “small-c” conservative and that showed clearly when dealing with money as he never would take me up on my suggestions to just put plane tickets for himself and his kids on a credit card and come on out to visit me. He owns his own home and is a teacher so he has a decent income but he is a far more restrained personality than myself to throw any financial caution to the wind in that way.

But that’s ok. I accepted his “small-c” conservativeness and just chalked it up to our character differences. Our phone chats were fun and I believed we had built a strong connection based around our shared teen past.

I always cheered him on, through the thick and the thin of women, and never failed to remind him how fabulous HE is and if chicks couldn’t dig it, then it was THEIR loss. Some of these dates even broke up with him, telling him he was too nice! These must be girls searching for bad boys…but bad boys are bad for a reason. Some girls will never learn though. Or they have to find out the hard way. Like I have.

I lived a little vicariously through him and his dating life since I do not have my own social world with the opposite sex at the present time. Hearing his stories and following along on his sexcapades in spirit was great fun. However, it also made me cherish my choice of a celibate life where my children come first, even more. As adventurous and exciting as his stories were, I was glad I had not chosen that route for myself. When I find someone, it won’t be through the dating pool..it will just happen.

I was always hopeful for him that he would eventually find what he was looking for…meet “the one”, a regular refrain he used when summarizing each potential date for future purposes. My heart ached for the constant confusion and head games he suffered through, which did not seem to make the short-lived moments of pleasure worth it. He was brave to try though. Well, brave and horny, haha! J

One day late last year, I noticed his facebook status had suddenly changed to “relationship”. We hadn’t had a good phone catch up for quite awhile and I was curious about this latest love. I assumed she must be the girl he had mentioned to me about going on a blind date with when we last spoke. Had he met “the one”? At last?

We shared some online messages and it seemed to have finally happened for him. He was gushing about this blind date who became his latest love and certain she was “the one”. He was complete at last and his quest was over. He had never been so sure about any of the others and he sounded truly happy. I was thrilled for him and wished him only the best.

Understandably, I accepted that our phone chats would likely grow quiet for awhile. I loved seeing his photos on facebook with his new love and the happy blending of their families. I figured he would call me for a long, gushing catch up as soon as he had a chance to come up for air. I had much to share about my own life too and as is the case with good friends, when you don’t get to talk for a lengthy stretch of time, the life stuff to share just grows, usually resulting in an enriching conversation when it finally happens.

Months passed and I thought about sending him a message to arrange a phone date. But before I could do that, he sent me a message and it was not exactly what I had been expecting to hear: “When you write on my wall, could I ask that you not include words like sexy teacher or hugs and kisses, or any thing like that. My new love doesn't like it and feels it shows a lack of respect towards her. I hope you understand.”

I know he was referring to the recent birthday message I had left him on his wall. I always called him sexy teacher and always sent ample hugs and kisses. But that is just me…that is how I am with the people I care about…fun, flirty, affectionate. It did not mean I was disrespecting anyone or trying to hone in on her man! So I was very taken aback by his curt email telling me to no longer show him any cute affection…basically to stop being myself with him. I honestly could not understand how this was a sign of disrespect to her. She must be a very insecure little chickie about herself and about her relationship. How strong or viable is this relationship if she can’t handle her partner having platonic female friendships? Friendships which pre-date their relationship?

But more importantly, how insecure is HE and desperate to have something with a woman, ANYTHING, rather than loneliness, that he chooses to be with the first person who can fit the bill of being “the one”, even if “the one” controls and restricts his friendships to this degree? Has he convinced himself that she is “the one” because she is the best match he has found during a difficult few years in the dating pool, searching and struggling to find someone?

Boys of my generation who grew up in the 80’s, seem to just stay boys really. When do these boys actually become men? What is it that has stunted their growth? Sure he is being a man by stepping up and taking care of his children after his lame-ass ex-wife selfishly left, he gets huge applause for that. But why must the quest for a mate override his pre-existing female friendships? Are we as expendable as we were in junior high? Does he not have the backbone to stand up for himself? Is he unable to see that if the love is real, nothing and no one would tear it apart? Or is it more basic than that and did he just use me for my friendship and discard me when no longer needed? Much the same way I was discarded in junior high once he found someone new to make out with?

I probably won’t get the answer to any of these questions. And whether his relationship with this so-called “one” for him goes the distance remains to be seen. Sadly, I likely won’t see it though. I tried to suggest a phone chat several times following his cold email but not only can I not post anything remotely flirty or fun on his facebook wall, he is not even allowed to talk to me on the phone or be friends beyond the odd message on the computer. She is not comfortable with him having female friends period. He made it clear our days of phone chats were over. So lame!

I don’t have time for little boys and their games, friends or otherwise. They either value me enough to man up and be real with me or they won’t be granted the privilege of my friendship.

A man who remains in touch with the boy he once was and retains his boyish charms totally rocks my world, both in friendship and beyond. But a man who holds onto a junior high mentality has no place on my stage to even pick up a guitar, let alone start rocking out.

Letting Go

41 has been a difficult yet enlightening year of my life. In another month and a half I will be 42 and hopefully that is the start of the new phase of my life that 41has clearly set the stage for.

In this past year I have discarded from my life a large amount of family and friends. I was hanging onto these people for the wrong reasons but my own insecurities prevented me from walking away. Finally the time was right for me to complete a process of “letting go” which had begun ten years earlier and had slowly been building to the culmination it reached in this, my 41st year. I needed to get to this point and I needed to be ready to face what I knew I had to do for my own happiness.

It has been a challenging but worthwhile journey. Truths have been faced and peace has been found in many places I had not even realized it was needed. I have learned to struggle less against the pull of the tides, making it so much easier to swim with a smile. :)

One of those places of truth was discovered recently with a family member I had believed I was extremely close to. It became clear to me how wrong I was in a painful, yet necessary way. But hopefully she is the final person I need to exhale from my life.

After she showed me her true colours through a series of lies, manipulation, and other cruel tactics, I chose to walk away from her. There were some mutual connections however, that tried to intervene and felt she owed me apologies, some remorse and a big slice of humble pie. Instead of feeling shame or guilt though, she took a stance of being “over it” and rising above it. She wanted to look at the constant discussions of how she behaved as too negative for her life and just wanted to move on and put it behind her.

Her exact words:

“Life is suppose to be happy. Stop focusing on the negative and embrace the good and happy in life. Stop the drama already, it's not getting anywhere and it's not making life any more happy. Accept the things that happen and learn that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever - whether they leave on good terms or bad.”

Well, those words are all well and good. A great attitude actually. But completely misplaced! By doing that, she is choosing to not face or deal with the pain she has caused. She chooses instead to see it as some negative annoyance that she does not have time to dwell on. And she is not a person who I thought would have acted that way. There are many people who have been in my life who have acted that way. But I did not think she was one of them. But sadly, she is. And probably has been all along. It just took me until now to see it.

I blogged about this exact behaviour pattern back in 2007 and it fits this situation so well that I will add it here now.

My hope is that one day she realizes that when you wrong and hurt people who love you, if you care about them and love them back, then the issues need to be dealt with and addressed before you can ever hope to move forward with them again. And that holds true for the majority of people I have removed from my life. I am not optimistically holding my breath though that any of them will ever make that choice to deal with the pain they caused and seek my friendship or kinship again. And I am at peace with that.

People Who Do Not Know How To Be Sorry

I have discovered so many people throughout my life who do not have a clue about asking for forgiveness. They have no idea what it means to try and make amends when they have hurt someone else....and many of these people just want to "forget about the whole issue", move on and put it behind them.

Well, I get tired of listening to people constantly go on about why can't things just be "let go" and why can't we just "leave that in the past". It is such a common refrain I hear over and over but always from the same types of people - the ones who cause the problems, give out the hurt and the pain, and say and do horrible things...they are always the ones who want to "forget about it", "move past it" and "let it go".

But they want to do this "letting go" at the expense of someone else! They make no attempt to be sorry for causing pain to someone else, they don't offer an apology or explanation for the harm done....they simply want to "leave it in the past" and just move forward. They either don't honestly believe they have done anything wrong so have nothing to be sorry about OR they just have a huge lack of consciousness and feeling for others.

If I have caused harm or hurt to someone else, I may not always be aware of it, but if I am made aware of it, I certainly am open to hear what they have to say and will do what I can to make it right. But there are alot of people who don't care at all if what they have done is apologized for, addressed or made right...even when blatently told that their words or actions have caused pain and hurt! And that ultimately answers many questions about what type of person they are. Those are hard life lessons to learn about people, but it definitely helps to weed those people out of our lives once we realize that.

For anyone out there who has a problem with someone else....look at your actions and find out what exactly the person has a problem with....have you wronged them? Have you done something to hurt them? And if you feel you haven't, have you at least tried to discuss it with them and hear them out? Or taken steps to try and rectify the problem?

Or have you just thrown your hands up and said, "oh why can't they just let it go!" But then if that is the stance you take, why not ask yourself, would YOU let it go if someone did something to you or against you that you felt very hurt and offended by? Would you just let it go and move forward with that person? Or would you feel you need to address it first?

Some things can be let go.....I think it depends what it is ultimately. But if you let things go over and over again, yet grievances and hurt continue to happen against you from the person you have tried "letting it go" with, how many more times do you "let it go" before you say ENOUGH?

Some people just care so little, they continue to wonder why the person they hurt just can't "let it go". It makes me wonder if these people have any intelligence, empathy or inner ability to care at all? And does it even make a difference to them when you can't let it go any longer? Does it make a dent in their life when you remove yourself from it? Do they lose the same sleep over you that you have lost over them?

If not, then they probably weren't worth it in the first place and walking away is all you can do. But never give up hope that they may think you are worth it one day and seek forgiveness for the hurt they caused, or at least care enough to hear how you feel. Don't hang onto that hope with a daily passion, but never lose it either. Just tuck it away for a rainy day.

Peace.